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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i want a good body but i'm too lazy to exercise and i keep bingeing on junk....

i want to be healthy but i avoid therapy and my shrink. don't sleep properly, eat properly, or do most of the things i know would probably help me get there.....

i'm lonely but i'm too shy to go out and meet people. i want a relationship but i'm too afraid to tell the guy i like how i feel....

i want to rediscover my passions but i sit in bed all day watching tv...

i think that watching tv about weight loss and health will somehow help by osmosis....

i think that watching tv about fashion and beauty will somehow make me better by osmosis...

i used to think that calories didn't count if no one saw you eat them....

maybe its just wishful thinking....

maybe i'm delusional....

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

who am i????

i know there are things i used to like

i know there are things i used to want

i know there are things i used to want to do

i know there are things i loved, things i was passionate about, things i enjoyed

i just can't remember what they were. and now there isn't anything....

i don't know who i am anymore....

i don't know what i am anymore....

or who i want to be. or what i want to be.

i spend my time doing nothing because there's nothing else i want to be doing. its not all that boring because i don't realize what i'm missing.

i read things like "time is finite" "the future is determined by your actions in the present" "live each day like its your last" and all of these other inspirational quotes and I know I should be inspired and I know they should help me but I'm not and they don't.

I make plans to change and follow them for no more than a week. I set goals and never reach them. I keep telling myself I'll do everything tomorrow but never do. I lie to myself constantly so now I never believe myself. I have no faith in myself. I don't think I can do anything and I honestly believe I'm right because I've proven it over and over again.

I'm writing to myself on this stupid blog because I don't have anyone to talk to. My group is gone. I've got no one left. I tried to talk to one of the only friends I have left but he doesn't know about half of the shit that has happened to me so I can't even go into everything that is wrong. And I can't go into the food stuff with him because I'm so ashamed. I want to email a guy I know who has bp2 like me but I don't want to be annoying. So here I sit. Alone in my house, sitting in bed. Typing and crying. What a fucking mess. What a fucking disaster. Nice fucking epiphany cris. Real fucking progress.

I used to write. I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I used to LOVE clothes and makeup and fashion.

Now i do nothing.

Monday, March 22, 2010

self-defeating behaviours...

i am awake when i should be asleep. not because i can't sleep. just because i don't want to go to sleep.

i was supposed to do laundry today. and exercise. and clean my house. instead i stayed in bed all day and watched an entire season of project runway. oh and i got a twitter account. one more way for me to waste time doing something other than what i'm supposed to be doing. self-defeating behaviour number 1: procrastination number 2: rationalization (oh the twitter account will let me connect with other bipolar people, blah blah blah)

i was supposed to eat healthy today. instead all i had were several ice cream sandwiches and a LOT of fudgeos. self-defeating behaviour #3: overeating (i also engage in undereating depending on which side of the pendulum swing i'm on)

i have wanted to learn how to play the guitar since i was about 15. 4 or 5 years ago i bought myself a guitar. the only reason i bought the guitar was to impress the guy i was dating at the time (not unusual for me) but instead of taking advantage of the opportunity it sits in the corner collecting dust. in january i started teaching myself to play again. i played everyday for almost a month. then i just quit. i do that a lot. get really excited about something and then just quit once the new car smell wears off. i can't commit to a career, a job, a goal, a hobby, a relationship, anything.

i spend money i don't have on things i don't need. i do things to impress people who aren't even paying attention and wouldn't care even if they were.

i compare myself to everyone. i am always soooo afraid what everyone is thinking of me. i feel everyone is always judging me. always criticizing me. i am so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of doing the wrong thing. of saying something stupid. of having people laugh at me.

in high school a very close friend turned me into the joke and i'm still afraid to go back to that. my confidence was crushed in grade 9 and at 33 i still don't have it back. how pathetic is that? i've been living in, affected by, and afraid of the past for 19 years. 19 years i let that bitch of a bully ruin my life and my self worth. sure the illness and the other shit didn't help, but really??????

i'm awake when i really should be asleep. i hate myself even though i'm told people are naturally supposed to love themselves. i wish someone would run me over with a truck even though humans are programmed for self-preservation. i am so backwards it gives me a headache.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

i have a question....

something's always bothered me.

does bipolar make it impossible to deal with past abuse?

or does past abuse make it impossible for you to cope with your bipolar?

ok maybe not impossible.

is it one that makes the other worse? or do they both just feed off of each other? i wonder if there's any way of knowing. i wonder if it would matter......

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ok so now i'm that girl....

...you know the one. the one that cries in the bar. well its not like i cried-cried. but there were small tears. and i wanted to cry-cry. oh yeah, feelin pathetic again.

i wanted to cry before i even left the house because i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw something at it or scream or climb into bed or never leave my house again. i actually told my friend i went out with that i was considering never leaving my house again. i said it would've been easier to have been born ugly because having been cute once and now having to turn old ugly and fat is unbearable - nice hey???

i had a bad hair, bad face, fat day and it didn't start the night off well. then i felt alone and pathetic for still being single and having been single for so long (over a year now and not even a date in all that time) and thats when the mood went way downhill. well that and all the booze. i really shouldn't drink but i do anyway. i know what's good for me. exercise, sleep, proper diet, abstaining from alcohol. it's just so hard to always do the righ thing. and its never as much fun.

i'm having all these feelings of failure and its making things unbearable

i've failed as a mother. both my daughters live with their dads because i had a period when they were younger when i was too sick to function and then when i was their dads wouldn't give them back.

i've failed as a friend. i've let down every friend i ever had. lost touch. lied. not been there. all but a couple are gone.

i've failed as a student. dropped out a bunch of times. never finished anything. smart but so stupid.

i failed at my really well paying job now i work 2 minimum wage ones

i've failed at healing

i've failed at living, i've failed at functioning. i've failed at even being a human

now i failed again. i started a support group at my old university. for people with mood disorders. there wasn't one at all. the student union even contacted me and wanted to affiliate with us because they felt it was important to have. it started out so well. there was an amazing response. there were a lot of us. great people. great groups. really helping eachother. but i got sick. and showed up less. and people started dropping out of group. and i dropped out of school. and then the group was down to 5 of us. but it was an amazing 5. and we kept it going. and we helped eachother. we stayed strong. but now there's no one to left to organize it. 3 of us are gone from the university. the other 2 don't have the time to coordinate with the student union anymore. people are becoming too busy to come to meetings. and the thing i was so proud to have started because i was so happy to have helped people and to have met such amazing wonderful strong people is about to die. and it makes me sad. and i was supposed to find a way to keep this group sustainable beyond me, but i failed.

again

i'm really sick of being a failure

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

oh this again

i have insomnia. i have insomnia and bipolar. i have insomnia bipolar and bulimia. great combination. makes for a fun night. no puking. a lot of bingeing. a lot of pills. over exercising. laxatives. starving. bingeing. starving. pills. bingeing. food is the enemy. and my friend. but it makes me fat and fat is ugly. and i am ugly. oh the mind reels at 3 am......

sleep keeps you stable. so much for stable......

so i sit here all night watching entire seasons of project runway. i'm tired and i look like hell but i still can't sleep. silly me i'm more worried about the look like hell part ha ha. oh god i'm messed up.

for a whole month i thought i had turned a corner. for a whole month i thought things were headed in a whole new direction. that i had changed. that i was me again. that there was hope. that i was healing. that i could believe. HA!!! i had a few others fooled too! i did a few good things. i'm getting rid of my house to pay off a few stupid debts that are haunting me and make a smart investment for my future. i'm moving out of a boring small town that i hate and have hated for a long time. i am working for the first time in a long time. i no longer sleep all day long. i no longer hide out in my house most days.

BUT......

i still procrastinate. i still waste time and money. i still lie to myself and others. i still binge and purge. i still say i'm goin to do things and don't. still tell myself i'm not goin to do things and then do them. i break promises to myself. i break promises to Kayli. i am still afraid to fail. i am still afraid to succeed. i still don't believe in myself. i still doubt everything i do and say. i have no confidence at all. and i'm still worried all of this was more motivated by a guy than me. i'm still going even though the guy is gone and i can't have him and all that shit, but.... will i ever do anything really just for me??? i still don't really know who i am and what I/ME REALLY TRULY love and enjoy and want.

i am still lost. i still have no path. no real course or direction. i think i know what i want to do but i am sooooo scared to try because i am convinced that i will suck and that if i tell anyone what it is they will laugh at me. i'm doomed. i am lonely and don't have anyone left to talk to about this shit and i am typing to myself at 3:30 in the morning for fuck's sake. i have reached way beyond pathetic.

my absent-mindedness has now also reached epic, scary, and dangerous levels. almost totalled the car and possibly injured myself this morning. left the ticket in the mall pay parking thing again. walked to car. realized couldn't find ticket. went searching through purse for it. while searching through purse managed to take foot off brake not remembering that i had put car into drive - car went half way across underground parking without me realizing it was moving - while i rummaged through my purse. somehow by luck or fate i looked up and freaked out in time to slam on brakes and stop car so it stopped about 2 feet before slamming into cement pillar. how it missed the 2 i had gone by i have no idea. luckily it was in morning and lot was almost empty. luckily no one had been driving other way. when i stopped 3 people were staring at me in horror. i think they thought i had had a heart attack or fainted or something. i still had to get out and go back to the damn machine and get my ticket to get out of the damn parkade. something is wrong with my brain beyond the serotonin imbalances. scary shit wrong with it. i'm never lucky. that was fuckin lucky.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

i was going to go to therapy.... therapy is expensive. and i hate therapists. they can be very condescending. and stupid. and i've come across a couple who wouldn't know good advice if it hit them over the head 37 times with a bat. i was going to go to therapy. but i know what's wrong with me. i even know what i should probably be doing to fix it. i just don't seem to be able to. and the parts i don't know how to fix can't be fixed by journalling, or positive self talk, or hashing it out with some therapist.

i quit things. i quit so i can't fail. before i can fail. i'm not good enough. or atleast i don't think i am. i don't see myself as enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not strong enough. not thin enough. not anything enough. but i don't want anyone else to know for sure. i'm sure they have their suspicions. i know they're all thinking it. (this is my inner dialogue) but if i go balls out at something and fail, then they'll have their proof. undeniable evidence that i am a failure and i am just not good enough and i and they were right all along. quitting makes me a loser, but no one has proof of me not being enough. stupid hey? yes i am.

i'm cuter than average but i cry when i look in the mirror. i hate what i see and i pick apart every little flaw. i can't see one good thing, i see only what's wrong. i can't dwell on what's cute-only that i look tired or my pores or a freckle or wrinkle or how i'm getting old. i'm tiny but i look at myself and all i see is fat. i see what's wrong. i abuse food. i abuse my body. because i am never happy with what i see. its never good enough. so i give up. and get disgusting. then hate myself so much i have to starve to fix it. then can't anymore..... i can't anymore

i got straight a's. i'm afraid to speak cuz i'm afraid i'll say something stupid. i can't finish university cuz i keep quitting. my average is over 80 so its not cuz its hard. i'm a genius but i'm retarded. my iq is insane but at the age of 33 i work 7 days a week at 2 minimum wage mindless jobs.

i hate myself. i truly truly do and makes me cry. i am a bad mother, a bad daughter. a bad friend. a bad everything. i've wanted to die so many times. i'm trying to live now but i don't know how. how do you live with yourself when you feel like this? you wouldn't live with another human being who hated you you so how do you live with yourself when you hate you? and don't say learn to love yourself. learn? how do you learn? some people love themselves and some people don't. once you stop, once that is taken from you i don't know if that can ever be returned.....

i want a man i can't have. i let his girlfriend's posts on his facebook site ruin my day. i hate her and i don't even know her. like i said i'm retarded.

and i think i don't need therapy.