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Monday, July 26, 2010

change your life???

ok my life sucks. and i'm not just complaining and exaggerating. it really does suck. i don't have a job. i don't have a permanent place to live. i have a ton of debt. i have no goals. no direction. very few friends. i often spend days or weeks in bed just watching tv. i am obsessed with body image and have absolutely no self-esteem. i'm 33 years old and i have nothing to show for it and no idea what i'm going to from here on.

i need to change my life. i know this. i've needed to change my life for years i just haven't been able to do it.

i need to turn off the tv. i need to sleep better. i need to eat healthy and exercise to be thin instead of not eating. i need to be kind to myself.

if only it were so easy.....

to change my life i need to change my thinking. i need to retrain my brain. how do you do that? how do you block out 17 years of bad thoughts to let in the good ones?

i want this body EXACTLY

I want this exact body. Realistically I know I can never be that tall, but if there was a way to try (no matter how unhealthy or unproductive) I'd be in. I want those arms, those abs, those legs. Why???


Because fat is ugly. Who told me???


Who is the only person who actually sees me naked, half naked, or gives a shit what size I am???


Will I suddenly be richer, happier, funnier, more fulfilled, more exciting, and have more friends the day I'm this thin???


Will i land a fantastic job, find a fantastic boyfriend, drive an amazing car, live in an incredible apartment, and instantly have this awesome life???


Will all my dreams and hopes and wishes finally come true???

Probably not.

Will all my fear and pain and shame magically melt away???

I wish, but no.

So why? WHY do I obsess every single day over my weight, my fat, the size of my thighs, and my jiggly arms? Why do I waste half of my day's brain power thinking about food and this stuff? Can you imagine how much else I could get done if this was not on my mind ALL the time? If I was not worrying, counting, planning, avoiding, hiding?

None of it makes sense but I keep doing it. What are some of the ridiculous things I have done for this.....

-I have a 98th percentile IQ but I am messing with my intelligence and memory by convincing my shrink to put me on Topamax as my mood stabilizer because it is an off-label weight loss drug

-I waste hundreds of dollars I should be saving or paying on other bills on expensive cellulite creams and weight loss pills and gimmicks (many of which are unhealthy. esp for a person with a mood disorder)

-My weight has gone from 127 to 102 to 120 to 108 to 125 to 115 to 105 to 123 to currently 113 in the last 3 years putting me at risk for all kinds of health problems and giving me stretch marks and messed up metabolism.

This is in addition of course to all the starving, bingeing, purging, hiding, lying, guilt, and shame.

I know that what I do is bad. I know that what I do is wrong. I know that what I do is hurting me. I know that what I do doesn't really make sense and I really need to stop.

But if I I could just get back to 102 then I'll stop then it'll be ok, then I can stop. Then everything will work. I promise.

See. Not gonna happen.