I wanna die but I can't.  I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm struggling so much.

I'm totally falling apart.

I need help but I can't ask for it.

 I have nowhere to go.

Paralyzed by fear and pain.

Stuck.

Alone.

Afraid.



Why won't this just end?

It's been a long time

I haven't had anything to say in a really long time. I would guess, because I haven't actually done anything in a really long time. I exist. Sort of. I numbly pass each day without progress, accomplishment, or insight. I spend most of my time sitting or laying, watching mindless television and waiting for the next time my mind will kindly shut down and sleep. I occasionally come out of the fog, say if my daughter visits or my best friend has an art show. But it is always temporary and always fake.

My mind races at times with hundreds of things that I want to do, could do, and would help. To date I have done none of these things. I have begun several, but part way through (or often before even beginning) an inner voice stops me. "You can't do this. It won't work. You're too tired. It's too hard. It's too scary. Just quit it's easier." Sadly, my conscious mind hears this and shuts down. No matter how many self-help books, documentaries, or healers I study my fears and self doubt keep winning out.

I am bogged down by anger, fear, guilt, shame, hurt, blame, and the all encompassing exhaustion created by these feelings. In an attempt to bring in some light I watched a documentary on Deepak Chopra that included an interesting idea. "Your anger has nothing to do with today. It is a left over from all your yesterdays." For some reason this resonated with me rather strongly. No one hurt me today, I did nothing wrong or negative today, and my mood could be classified as neutral. Yet minutes after waking and for the rest of the day I felt hurt, wronged, mad, shamed, guilty, and depressed. I let leftover hurts and problems clog my mind and exhaust my body. Because of that I did exactly what I've been doing for months. Nothing.

Is it possible, once realizing this, to leave those feelings in the past? To wake up tomorrow with a clean emotional slate and only feel the feelings related to the present?

Zen Buddhism would say yes. A loosely translated teaching states that if you walk around with shit on your nose you will smell shit all day. Instead of complaining about the smell, wash your face.

So I wash my face. Angus, Mary, Vanessa, Travis, Trevor, Richard, you and what you did to me are nothing but shit that I need to wash off. My past struggles and pains are nothing but shit that I need to wash off. Not to say there won't be countless more struggles to come, the trick is to learn how to not let them stick to my face.

I have never been this alone

I don't understand people who take pleasure in others' pain.

I was a little girl with hopes.

I was a girl with dreams.

I was a human being.

No one deserves this.

lonely

having pills in the house is akin to keeping a loaded gun around.

i can only beg for help so many times.

i can only hurt this much for so long.

Where does it start and where do I begin???

Where is the line between illness and individual?

Where does Bipolar start and where do I begin?

Where is the line that determines where symptoms stop and the real me begins?

I am responsible for every single thing I do. I do not dispute this, never have. But do I deserve to be punished for behaviours and actions that are a direct result of symptoms of my disorder over which I truly, at times, have no control?

Where does the blame start? And where does it end?

Where does compassion and empathy belong, and when is harsh cold blame the only option?

I never meant to hurt anyone. Never wanted to hurt anyone. Not one single person, ever, in my entire life.

But my disease has hurt them. My crazy actions spurred on by my disease have hurt them. My desperate attempts to just make the pain stop because the Bipolar will just not let go have hurt them.

Where do I stop and it begins?

As of right now, I really don't know....