wat the hell happened.....

i was in advanced math, science and english. school was easy for me. i got 90's without trying. now i help people pick out and try on clothes for minimum wage.

i was a natural athlete. i was creative. artistic. musical. funny. outgoing. now i'm lazy. and shy. and afraid. and meek. with no confidence or faith in myself. i'm scared to sing. scared to play anymore cuz i'm afraid i'll just sound bad. i'm afraid to do anything because i'm worried it will suk (i assume it will suk) and i'll get laughed at.

i'm in stuck in a hole so deep i can't see out. there's no ladder. no rope. and no one at the top to pull me out. i'm curled up at the bottom alone and losing hope. there's a light at the top but i can't reach it. i can see it. i long for it. i want it. but i don't know how to get there. the walls are too steep. and the hole is too dark. i start clawing my way up but keep slipping back down. so i'm stuck in this hole. way too dark. way too cold.

desperation. discouragement. emptiness. yearning. loneliness. helplessness. blame. terror. pain. hopelessness.

epiphanies don't help when you can't follow through. it doesn't matter if you know what to do if you're not able to do it. it's even worse when you don't even know what to do. i don't understand. i feel just lost and out of control and hollow and the fear and pain are unbearable. i hate the situation. i hate myself for letting it get to this point. and if i'm honest i hate myself. i hate him. i hate her. and i am sooooooo tired of all of this. i just want it to be ok. i just want to be able to live. i want to wake up and just want to be able to be. i don't want every day to be a fight. why does every day have to be so hard. why is every day such a battle just to get through. i've come so far and yet i'm still nowhere. its too much. its not fair and i am so fucking sick of it. i don't want pity i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me i just want this to stop. i just want to not have to feel like this all the time. i don't know what i'm grateful for today. today was a bad day. today was hell. i guess i'm grateful it wasn't any worse

a conundrum......

ok so my first post was really really long winded and quite self serving but it made me feel better so all good. here's my current problem. i had basically opted out of life for 8 years and used the bipolar as an excuse. i shut down, stopped trying, was stuck, numb, turned off, and just didn't care about anything. and i didn't even realize it. now i'm awake and tuned in and i care that my life sucks and i'm going nowhere and i'm trying to change it. but every time i start making progress my illness rears its ugly head and i crash into a 3 day depression or have some CRAZY mixed states or...... how do you get ahead and keep going when it keeps kickin you in the teeth? this is my problem. i spent so long not caring that i have yet to figure this out. the discouragement is frustrating. my motivation is dwindling. crap.