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Thursday, April 8, 2010

life is so trying sometimes....

unfortunately i am not. that is to say i do not.

i was trying. for a couple of months. and then i just stopped.

but i need to start again or things are going to get very ugly very fast.

i have pretty much screwed up both jobs it took me so long to get. why? cuz i went to van n got depressed i couldn't stay then came home and had my water heater blow up so one morning i was jus too tired and fed up to shower with cold water in the sink and i didn't go in. didn't call didn't go in, nothing. that was to job #1. kept going to job #2 until screwing up made me so depressed i started bingeing and staying in bed and got so bad i just didn't go there either.

and now i have stopped everything. stopped cleaning my house. stopped taking care of myself. meds ran out and i didn't go get more. i am eating more and more and doing less and less. i gained 8 pounds in a week and i want to die. i want to cut i want to hurt i want someone to hit me with a bus. i can't stand this.

but its my own fault because i gave up. on trying. on myself. on my future. on progress. on my health. and now i'm screwed again.

tomorrow i need to try. but what does that entail.....

tomorrow i get the tattoo i've been soooooo excited about for months. i'm not excited at all now. stupid depression. also, the tattoo is symbolic. symbolizes the change i went through at the beginning of the year and all the progress i made. the successes. my goals.

success change progress and goals are all gone. so tattoo not as exciting because i suck again. i hate myself sometimes. most times. i hate my life. but i am too lazy and stupid to change it. i keep giving in and giving up and accepting the same shitty stuff. hiding away. not living. not thriving. not moving. i want so much but have so little. and it is my own fault. its all my fault. i used to blame the disease but really its me.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"to be successful in life gravitate toward the standard of excellence, not the standard of acceptance."

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." MLK Jr

"If I have the belief I can do it, I shall certainly acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." Ghandi

"The future depends on what we do in the present." Ghandi

"under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed."

need to find the hope and will and drive again.

need to believe i am worth it

ugh

i think i need new or simply more drugs. the depression has crept in and is getting worse and worse....

lamotrigine is supposed to help with bipolar depression....

i am eating sooooooo much. i need to eat better. for my health, for my self esteem. the sugar and carbs just make the mood swings and sleep patterns worse. and the guilt and hatred from bingeing is so harmful.

i need to change so badly but i am soooo tired ALL the time. i want it, i just can't seem to get going. find the drive the motivation, the willpower.

feel like such a failure. such a disappointment. a loser. u waste. so broken. so useless.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

fml

spent all day in be. depressed. hating my life. and eating junk.

now i'm fat and alone and don't want to bother anymore.

i want to be in van but i'm stuk here til my stupid house sells. i want to go to school and be a makeup artist so bad, but i really don't think i'm gonna get in anywhere. i finally hav a drream but its either too late or i'm just not good enough.

i want to be with him so bad, but he's there and i'm here. and he's with her because she's there and i'm not. and she's not crazy. or annoying. or useless....

i can't stop crying. i can't stop eating. i'm trying to fill a hole, a void that will never be filled. because its never enuf. i'm never enuf. and now i feel so fat and ugly i want to punish myself. i hate the vicious circle. i hate it.

panic and guilt are setting in and i can't breathe. i wish it didn't just feel like i couldn't. i wish i really couldn't. i am so sick of all of this. i am so sik of me.

Monday, April 5, 2010

day one did not go well....

ok so i slept in...

had a nap.....

watched too much tv.....

binged on bread, perogies, chocolate, and cookies....

and purged....

so not a good start.

i can do this. I can do this. I CAN do this. I CAN DO this. I CAN DO THIS!!!!

tomorrow's plan.... wake up at a decent hour. you are fabulous, you deserve good things. no bingeing. no purging. call dr. call work. pick up meds. new tires.

breakfast: oatmeal, berries, yogurt
lunch: 3 egg whites, one egg, spinach, tomato, peppers, onion
supper: chicken or tuna, veggies, greens
snacks: almonds, apple, yogurt

now all i need is motivation and willpower

oh if only it were that easy....

also energy, drive, a meaningful goal, direction

and HELP

Sunday, April 4, 2010

so then who am I?????

ok so if i don't let the illness define me then who am i....????

i don't think i've known that for a really REALLY long time. i've been so wrapped up in being sick and being a victim that i have completely lost myself. i turned into the self hating, self abusive, cutting, bulimic, anorexic, rage-aholic, lazy, alcoholic, low sel esteem, scared, bipolar girl. i soooooooo don't want to be that anymore.

i am cristina

ok so who is that?

fuck who is that?

i am going to start an experiment tomorrow to try and figure this all out. and i will try to keep track of it on here so at least i have some record of it.

who do i want to be?

i don't want to binge eat anymore. i don't want to starve anymore either. i don't want to have any issues at all with food anymore.

i don't want to think i'm fat and hate my body.

i don't want to hate myself.

maybe i shouldn't focus so much on what i don't want. maybe positive is better and i should focus on what i do want.

i want to be happy. i want to love myself. i want to have a life and career i love. i want a healthy relationship with a great guy. i want to get my illness under control. i want to exercise and eat properly. i want to have a good relationship with both my daughters. i want to know who i am and be ok with me. i want to lead a long healthy productive life.

i am cristina i am kinz and kay's mom i am funny i am smart i am kind i am good at sports i am pretty i am tough i am resilient i am musical i am creative i am artistic i love shoes and clothes and makeup i love animals i love warm weather and hate cold weather i am impatient i am a perfectionist i am a good writer i am a good human being i have a horrible sense of direction(ha ha) i am a hard worker i am a quick learner i fall in love too easily i am loyal i am a good friend i am a sister i am a daughter i am insecure i am proud i am shy i am stylish i am loud i am fabulous i am trying i am trying i am trying i am learning i am not giving up

i need a change

i read something yesterday...

i'm not bipolar. i have bipolar.

hmmmmm

i'm not bipolar. i have bipolar. i'm cristina. i think i forget that a lot.

i've been in bed a lot again lately. eating. and crying. and doing nothing. i need to get out. and get up. and be cristina again.

as long as i haven't forgotten how.....