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Friday, February 26, 2010

wat the hell happened.....

i was in advanced math, science and english. school was easy for me. i got 90's without trying. now i help people pick out and try on clothes for minimum wage.

i was a natural athlete. i was creative. artistic. musical. funny. outgoing. now i'm lazy. and shy. and afraid. and meek. with no confidence or faith in myself. i'm scared to sing. scared to play anymore cuz i'm afraid i'll just sound bad. i'm afraid to do anything because i'm worried it will suk (i assume it will suk) and i'll get laughed at.

i'm in stuck in a hole so deep i can't see out. there's no ladder. no rope. and no one at the top to pull me out. i'm curled up at the bottom alone and losing hope. there's a light at the top but i can't reach it. i can see it. i long for it. i want it. but i don't know how to get there. the walls are too steep. and the hole is too dark. i start clawing my way up but keep slipping back down. so i'm stuck in this hole. way too dark. way too cold.

desperation. discouragement. emptiness. yearning. loneliness. helplessness. blame. terror. pain. hopelessness.

epiphanies don't help when you can't follow through. it doesn't matter if you know what to do if you're not able to do it. it's even worse when you don't even know what to do. i don't understand. i feel just lost and out of control and hollow and the fear and pain are unbearable. i hate the situation. i hate myself for letting it get to this point. and if i'm honest i hate myself. i hate him. i hate her. and i am sooooooo tired of all of this. i just want it to be ok. i just want to be able to live. i want to wake up and just want to be able to be. i don't want every day to be a fight. why does every day have to be so hard. why is every day such a battle just to get through. i've come so far and yet i'm still nowhere. its too much. its not fair and i am so fucking sick of it. i don't want pity i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me i just want this to stop. i just want to not have to feel like this all the time. i don't know what i'm grateful for today. today was a bad day. today was hell. i guess i'm grateful it wasn't any worse

Thursday, February 25, 2010

good day/bad day

i need to tackle this one day at a time. i can't fathom it any other way. the thought of eating properly every day is too much. the thought of not losing my temper ever again is too much. the thought of staying healthy for life is too much. i need to break it down. and a year is too long. a month is too long. right now a week seems too long. so tomorrow i need to wake up and set my daily goals. eat like a healthy human just for that day. exercise that day. don't do anything stupid that day.

a huge monetary setback today. kinda kills my ability to head west and be able to take any kind of classes when i get there. how can i start a new life with no money at all? i have no skills no training i can't afford school with a minimum wage job living in the 3rd most expensive city in the country.....

2 steps forward then i get kicked in the face and shoved 15 feet backward onto my ass......

i need to go to sleep now but i am still not sleeping properly even though i am exhausted. i look exhausted too. not doing much for my confidence as that still seems to be way to tied into my looks. feeling fat and frumpy and short and tired looking and old and wrinkly and splotchy and it is not good. bad time to look like me. the hotter we start out the further we fall. and the fall from grace is painful. long and painful. which is vain and should be irrelevant considering all my other much more serious problems but i am image obsessed so.......

trying to do some positive self talk.... i am very smart. i am very good at any job i try. people seem to like me and get along with me. (although i seem to talk too much and say too much and need to learn to just shut up sometimes but i'll work on that) i am fun. i am funny. i am creative. i am smart. (said it twice but it deserves it) i am pretty awesome when i'm healthy so i gotta get my ass healthy. and i have a kick ass wicked bod when i eat normally and work out a bit. (good genetics) so i NEED to do that. good for me physically and emotionally.

any big epiphanies today? not really. just day by day. can't quit. get up off my ass tomorrow and start takin steps again and hope next time i don't get kicked in the face again.

smart choices. i have to always remember - smart choices. think before i act. think before i speak. think before i do. think before i decide.

ideas...... research victim bipolar self hate/esteem link, healthy people self love source, path to that for former
accu too expensive now - pt only way, would be 39 when done......???????
make up could prob afford, get info - talk to alisha..... is it really a career thing or just a fool around on urself thing??

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

new epiphany......

yesterday i screamed at a man in my car. a man who wasn't there. it wasn't a hallucination. it was a real person. a person from the past. a person i wish i really could scream at. i person i probably could scream at. i addition to screaming at myself.

yesterday i realized that my bipolar may not be my biggest problem. i had a christmas epiphany, but it wasn't the right epiphany. this is....

this isn't about depression. this isn't about mania. this isn't about mixed states or meds or any of that.

he took more than i had to give and i have never felt whole again. an empty shell, a hollowed out tree. i have spent my life trying to fill this void with so many useless substitutes but its never enough. i'm still empty and i still feel like there's nothing inside.

she stabbed me in the back and she abandoned me. she lied. she took what was most precious to me. and she robbed me of any faith and confidence that i had left. i stopped walking tall that day. i stopped looking people in the eye. i heart fell that day. i lost myself that day. and i lost my best friend that day.

but i let them keep that power. i let affect me this long. i let them take over my life. i thought i had dealt with this. i have taken positive action several times to deal with all of this. and i have healed. at least i thought i had....

so why am i still screaming at them in my car? why do i still hate the person in the mirror? why do i not believe deep down that i can really change and succeed? there are a couple of things i want to do in life but in my heart i don't believe anything i do or think up will ever be good enough for someone else to want or think is good. i don't think i'm good enough. or ever will be. i want to. i really really want to. i just don't know how.

do i keep screaming at people in my car? do i just let it go? i thought i had let it go.

i wish the bipolar was my biggest problem. you can medicate that. you can't medicate this.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

sooooo tired. omg tired, but still not sleeping properly. layin in bed watchin tv at night instead of cleaning up my sleep habits and trying to do the right thing. i kno whats good for me, i just hav so much trouble actually doing wats good for me. i am such a self saboteur. its like i want to change but i'm so afraid of the change or so afraid of failing i do stuff to increase chances of failure from illness so i can cop out and start making excuses again. i don't want that but i am stuck in such a vicious fuckin circle and i honestly don't know how to get out. i have been like this for so long. its easy to say "well just don't be like that" or "just do the right things, the right way". but its not always that easy. i mean it is. but when u've convinced urself of these things for so long its like u've brainwashed urself into believing that u really are a horrible ugly awful useless waste of space who will never succeed and never accomplish anything. its hard to deprogram that. i want to. i'm tryin to. but its hard. i'm havin trouble with sleep. with food (yeah i'm body obsessed too - i've pretty much got it all). with confidence. with dependency. with honesty. with trust. i need a life coach. except that i need to learn how to coach myself so where do you go for that? therapy? i hate therapists. which i realize is a generalization, but.... i need to find the strength within. i just don't know where to look. it must be buried pretty damn deep. but its gotta be there right? before all the shit, before i was hurt before i was damaged before i got sick - i was strong and happy and liked me. so its possible. and natural. they say forgive urself but again i dunno how. i'm probably over thinking. maybe i'm making it too hard. i just don't know anymore. i know it still hurts. i know it still feels like i'm in hell way too often. and i know it still feels like it could fall apart at any moment. but i also know that i can't live like this anymore. that i need more. that i gotta find a way out. magical pills aren't doin it. excuses aren't doin it. complainin isn't doin it. hidin didn't do it. action. but wat action. baby steps i guess. baby steps and then if i head in the wrong direction i won't be very far off the right path and it'll be easy to get bak on. baby steps and forgiveness. i wish somehow i could feel strong. feel luv for me. true real luv for me....

Thursday, February 18, 2010

a conundrum......

ok so my first post was really really long winded and quite self serving but it made me feel better so all good. here's my current problem. i had basically opted out of life for 8 years and used the bipolar as an excuse. i shut down, stopped trying, was stuck, numb, turned off, and just didn't care about anything. and i didn't even realize it. now i'm awake and tuned in and i care that my life sucks and i'm going nowhere and i'm trying to change it. but every time i start making progress my illness rears its ugly head and i crash into a 3 day depression or have some CRAZY mixed states or...... how do you get ahead and keep going when it keeps kickin you in the teeth? this is my problem. i spent so long not caring that i have yet to figure this out. the discouragement is frustrating. my motivation is dwindling. crap.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

here goes.....

so there's no point starting at the beginning. it just would take too long. i'll sum up. i got sick when i was 16. didn't know it was bipolar 2 until i was 21. i have been on almost 20 different medications, had ECT, acupuncture, therapy, and NUMEROUS hospitalizations. I have used alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, attention, food, and material things to try and deflect or numb the pain. I have tried to hide from it, deny i have it, run from it, ignore it, deal with it unsuccessfully, give up, and just lay down and die. after 17 years i still don't know what i'm doing and that scares me. it makes me sad. as i type this it makes me cry. a month and a half ago i had what i like to call my christmas epiphany. here's the background. i haven't worked in 8 years. i've been in hiding. i've been avoiding life basically just faking my way through it for 8 years. and not even really realizing that 8 years had gone by. i had shut down. i had completely turned off. i had no dreams, goals, hopes, aspirations. there was nothing i wanted. nothing i could see myself doing. i couldn't make any kind of decision at all. i couldn't order in restaurants let alone plan and execute my life. in 32 years on the planet and months and months in hospital wards i had never met another person with bipolar 2. i felt isolated, i felt alone. i kind of felt like maybe it was really rare and it was soooo much worse than bipolar 1. and i felt like the most broken useless person on the planet. unfortunately i often still feel like the most broken useless person on the planet but i am working on that. hopefully. and i had basically convinced myself that all my failures and the fact that i had dropped out of university 3 times and hadn't worked in almost a decade and barely left my house and was totally irresponsible was the bipolar's fault. i copped out. i blamed the illness. i know the illness didn't help, but i let it be my excuse. and a lot of people in my life let me let it be my excuse for a really long time. familiar with enablers??? i have them. i needed someone to kick me in the ass a long time ago. i know we need to take responsibility for ourselves, but when you are so young and dealing with this and trying to figure it out and people just keep letting you get away with shit time and time again.... anyhow. so at xmas i met someone with bipolar 2. someone i knew from a long time ago. and we had a great talk. and it wasn't even so much who he was, but just the fact that he was someone with my disease. i wasn't alone anymore. and he has a life. and a career. and a business. and friends. and....... excuse gone. in one moment my excuse was shattered. and the isolation was sorta gone. and the weird thing is since running into him i've met another girl with bipolar 2 as well. none for 32 years now 2 in a month and a half. anyhoo. excuse gone. a week later i tell my parents i'm looking for a job. they tell me to stay on disabilty because i'll make more money than at a crappy job and it'll be easier on me. WTF??!!! ok so now i see that my parents see me as completely broken and useless too. and then they compare me to a 60 year old man with a bad heart who can't walk 2 blocks and tell me not to be embarrassed about not working. WTF?! 60 year old heart patient? I ignored them and now have a part time job and am fixing up my house in a very small town to move in to a larger city. Soon after the job conversation my parents as well as a couple other people in my family felt the need to ask me in very condescending tones if I knew it was more expensive to live in a city than a small town. excuse me? and if i knew what rent was in said city. WTF. i'm 33 years old and they were talking to me like a 16 year old threatening to run away and live on her own. so broken, useless, and not able to take care of herself. soon after, the whole i'm 33 thing sank in (my bday is beginning of Feb). and soon after that, the 8 years on disability thing sank in. which turned into, OMG i wasted 8 years. which led to "if i don't figure this out i'm gonna waste 16 years and be stuck here when i'm 41 wondering where the hell my life went". so that string of events is what i called my xmas epiphany. it got me off my ass. i got a job. i'm still looking for another. it got me to finish renos on house and get it up for sale. it got me to go from 16 hours of sleep (or more) a day to 6-8. i get outta bed everyday and do things. my house is clean. and i have a plan and a goal again. yay! or i did. until sunday. when i crashed. on top of bipolar 2 i have rapid cycling and mixed states which makes me near impossible to medicate. lucky me. sunday i crashed. the mixed states started and i have been all over the map since. it's now wednesday. epiphany may have been mania. apparently hypo-mania can last that long. my first glimmer of hope in soooooo long and now i'm worried its gone. my theme for this year was hope. change. progress. balance. happiness. now i feel like i'm starting to drown again. part of my plan was to move halfway across the country once my house sells. i love my family and i thank them for all the shit they've gotten me out of, but i can't be around them anymore. not like this. if the hope is gone can i still do it? even with the hope gone i don't wanna be where i am now. i was so happy i was so excited i actually saw a future. i saw a way to get through this. to live with it. deal with it. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh. sometimes you just need to scream. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. i want it soooooo bad. i will not let this beat me. god if anyone out there ever reads this and you feel like you're drowning or being crushed or can't breathe or like it will never end pls just don't give up. it won't ever go away but we can deal. there is a way. i know there is. and if i can find it anyone can. if i figure it out i'll let you know.