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Friday, October 22, 2010

my identity

i spend most days not knowing who i am. or what i want. or where i'm headed. i hav said thousands of times that i really really don't know who i am.

but that's not true

not even close

the truth is i know exactly who i am. i'm the sick one. i'm the weak, fragile, delicate one who's not doing anything because she's sick.

i'm too sick to work. i'm too sick to maintain a normal schedule. i'm too sick to have my children live with me. i'm too sick to maintain relationships. i'm too sick to be responsible, or accountable , or dependable. i'm too sick to have direction, or purpose, or goals.

so i stand still. or sit still. in all actuality most days i lay still. and do nothing. my life has been on pause for nearly 10 years because i'm the sick one. i'm that person in my own eyes, and in the eyes of everyone who knows me. failure is the norm. giving up is expected. and i am accountable to no one. not myself, not my parents, not my friends, not society, no one. but it's ok because i'm sick.

i don't wish to downplay mental illness. i do have an illness. it is real, and at times those with this illness really are too sick to function. but not for nearly 10 years. not me for nearly 10 years.

all i see is the illness. all i feel is the weakness. all i know is failure. all i can do is hide.

i don't know how to break this cycle, this pattern, this trap. they say it takes 21 days to form a new habit. how long must it take to break a 10 year long one? one that is so ingrained in the core of my being any attempt at change brings on panic, fear, and a total loss of rationality.

my confidence is below zero. my energy, will, strength and drive are non-existent. in my conscious mind i want more, but in my heart and subconscious i find it impossible and give up before i even start trying. the lows are getting lower, the highs have nearly disappeared, and i have given up on myself mentally, emotionally and physically.

i don't know where to start. even starting to think about starting brings on unbearable uncomfortableness.

i have become my illness. i am not a person living with, or fighting mental illness. i am mental illness. its who i am. right now its all i am. its all i know.

i am the sick one...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

something's gotta giv

haven't posted in a long time, but not all that much has changed.

a month and a half ago i moved into a great apartment in a great new city, but i am still my not great self. i wanted to start fresh in a new environment, new surroundings, with a new plan. so far no fresh start and not one bit of sticking to the plan. after a month and a half i am not even close to finished unpacking. there is still a room completely full of boxes, a dresser in the hallway, and i have yet to commit to the arrangement of my living room furniture after 12 different tries so that too is a disaster area. i planned to go to bed at a decent time, wake up early, and most importantly get out of bed every day. FAIL. i planned to stop wavering between starvation and overeating and eat a whole food, healthy, energy boosting diet. FAIL. i planned to start school and make friends and learn a craft and build a future. FAIL. i planned to get a job, meet people, gain experience and confidence, and feel useful. FAIL. i planned to find a roommate to help with rent, start budgeting, start saving, and get control of my impulse buying and wasteful spending. FAIL.

in reality i spend most days in bed watching tv on my computer and bingeing on sugary, salty, fatty, carb loaded food to try and fill the giant void inside of me that i thought i could run away from. i moved halfway across the country to escape the pain and the emptiness but it didn't work, pain and emptiness followed me. or more truthfully pain and emptiness are inside of me, so much a part of me that i cannot escape them and they just moved right along with me. I barely clean anything in the house. I'm not even taking care of myself. Showering is such a chore that sometimes I goes days (several days) between them. I neglect my face, my teeth, everything. I am gross and disgusting. I am a mess. And I don't care. But yet I do.

See here's the thing. I am tired of being poor and worrying about money, yet I spend money I don't have on things I don't need and waste money on binge food (1/2 of which usually gets thrown out) like crazy, i am not motivated to find work, find a room mate, or find my passion in life so that i can actually focus on a real career. I hate being fat, chubby, and out of shape and want to be thin and fit yet I binge eat constantly, don't eat regular meals, don't eat healthy foods, and don't exercise at all. I am lonely and want friends and a boyfriend yet I don't try to go out anywhere, in fact i rarely leave my apartment. I don't actively put myself in situations where i could meet people and even if I did I would be too shy and lack the confidence to speak to anyone or put myself out there anyway. I want to not be broken and sick anymore yet I don't take my meds, don't see a counsellor, and haven't even tried to find a Dr out here yet who may be able to help.

I want so many things yet I am doing nothing to get them. I want so much change, but I do not have the energy, motivation, drive or inclination to work for any of it. I am exhausted and feel like I have nothing left. I feel empty and useless all the time. I feel broken and not good enough so what is the point? I feel like it will never, can never change so why bother. I feel like sick and weak is all I know how to be anymore. I am so afraid to fail that I am afraid to even try. My confidence is so low that I assume total and complete failure at EVERYTHING from furniture arranging, to school, to diet, to friendship and so I refuse to try. I sabotage myself at every step before I even begin because quitting has become easier to take than failure. Being stuck and immobile and frozen and not caring not trying is better than failing. As long as I don't fail. I can't deal with anymore proof that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, or anything enough. I can be a useless nothing easier than risking proof of my failure.

So here I sit. Fatter than when I moved here. More exhausted, stuck, broken, and depressed than when I got here. And not showing any signs that the pattern will change. At this rate within a year I will be a 180lb slob who is completely broke, on the brink of homelessness, living in a disgusting mess of an apartment, and showering 3 times a month. I will spend every, not just most, days in bed and leave the house once every two weeks or so. It sounds horrible. It is not what I want, but it is where I am headed. And I don't seem to have it in me to do the things necessary to change the downward slide.

I want and need change. I want and need a life. I'm just too lazy and useless to do anything about it. I have become so entrenched in my sick, weak, victim role that it's become impossible to break free and be anything else. I'm letting my depression, eating disorder, bipolar, and borderline completely take over and ruin my life even more than they all ready have. I'm letting them take over to the point where it's soon going to be too late. I've wasted so much time, and just keep wasting it. Days, weeks, months gone.

Yet here I sit. Doing absolutely nothing about it.

Most days I just want it to all be over, but I'm too lazy even to do that.

Monday, July 26, 2010

change your life???

ok my life sucks. and i'm not just complaining and exaggerating. it really does suck. i don't have a job. i don't have a permanent place to live. i have a ton of debt. i have no goals. no direction. very few friends. i often spend days or weeks in bed just watching tv. i am obsessed with body image and have absolutely no self-esteem. i'm 33 years old and i have nothing to show for it and no idea what i'm going to from here on.

i need to change my life. i know this. i've needed to change my life for years i just haven't been able to do it.

i need to turn off the tv. i need to sleep better. i need to eat healthy and exercise to be thin instead of not eating. i need to be kind to myself.

if only it were so easy.....

to change my life i need to change my thinking. i need to retrain my brain. how do you do that? how do you block out 17 years of bad thoughts to let in the good ones?

i want this body EXACTLY



I want this exact body. Realistically I know I can never be that tall, but if there was a way to try (no matter how unhealthy or unproductive) I'd be in. I want those arms, those abs, those legs. Why???

Because.

Because fat is ugly. Who told me???

Me.

Who is the only person who actually sees me naked, half naked, or gives a shit what size I am???

Me.

Will I suddenly be richer, happier, funnier, more fulfilled, more exciting, and have more friends the day I'm this thin???

Doubtful.

Will i land a fantastic job, find a fantastic boyfriend, drive an amazing car, live in an incredible apartment, and instantly have this awesome life???

Nope.

Will all my dreams and hopes and wishes finally come true???

Probably not.

Will all my fear and pain and shame magically melt away???

I wish, but no.

So why? WHY do I obsess every single day over my weight, my fat, the size of my thighs, and my jiggly arms? Why do I waste half of my day's brain power thinking about food and this stuff? Can you imagine how much else I could get done if this was not on my mind ALL the time? If I was not worrying, counting, planning, avoiding, hiding?

None of it makes sense but I keep doing it. What are some of the ridiculous things I have done for this.....

-I have a 98th percentile IQ but I am messing with my intelligence and memory by convincing my shrink to put me on Topamax as my mood stabilizer because it is an off-label weight loss drug

-I waste hundreds of dollars I should be saving or paying on other bills on expensive cellulite creams and weight loss pills and gimmicks (many of which are unhealthy. esp for a person with a mood disorder)

-My weight has gone from 127 to 102 to 120 to 108 to 125 to 115 to 105 to 123 to currently 113 in the last 3 years putting me at risk for all kinds of health problems and giving me stretch marks and messed up metabolism.

This is in addition of course to all the starving, bingeing, purging, hiding, lying, guilt, and shame.

I know that what I do is bad. I know that what I do is wrong. I know that what I do is hurting me. I know that what I do doesn't really make sense and I really need to stop.

But if I I could just get back to 102 then I'll stop then it'll be ok, then I can stop. Then everything will work. I promise.

See. Not gonna happen.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

its been a long time

I haven't written anything in a really long time. It shouldn't really matter if anyone reads my words, the point of this whole exercise was to help myself. Something I am not very good at doing. I would love it if I had someone to talk to, but my main focus should be myself.

I HAVE been focusing on myself a lot lately, unfortunately i've been focusing on (obsessing on) the wrong things. My weight, my looks, my weight, my failures, my weight, my past, my weight, my regrets, and my weight. Not good. A major MAJOR life change is barely more than a month away and all i seem to care about is whether I'm under 110 pounds or not. I currently live in a house that I own in a very small town. My mortgage and taxes are INSANELY cheap and in addition to that the house is almost paid off. I also live in one of the cheapest parts of Canada when it comes to living expenses. My huge epiphany at the beginning of the year, which I'm now convinced was merely an extended hypomanic episode, resulted in me putting my house up for sale. When I started to come back down I realized I may have made a mistake, but didn't get too worried because there hadn't been any interest in my house at that point. About a week later a couple looked at my house. A week after that they made an offer. During this process I found out that there is a problem with my basement. This problem will be time consuming and expensive to fix. I don't have the time, money, or desire to fix this problem. The people who made the offer on my house do. They were also willing to pay very near my asking price in spite of the basement problem. Even though I had the feeling I was making a mistake I accepted the offer. In 5 weeks I have to be out of my house and I have no idea where I am going to go. I am about to be homeless and broke and screwed. I am supposed to be moving to a very expensive city and I have no real job skills. On top of that I have trouble holding a job for more than 3 months because I fall apart and stop being able to show up.

I have failed too many times. I have let myself down too many times. I have been let down too many times. I have been hurt too many times. I now expect it every time. I expect to fail, I expect to get let down, I expect to get hurt. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself. I have lost faith in everyone, especially myself. I have stopped dreaming. I have stopped planning. I have stopped hoping. There doesn't seem to be any point when you've seen the worst outcome so many times and now that's all you expect. The problem is that because I expect the worst outcome so vehemently I actually bring it about on purpose before anything has a chance to play itself out on its own. That way I can blame it on my illness or actions as opposed to a legitimate failure or someone else really hurting, failing, or not liking me.

Sometimes self discovery is good. Sometimes it just makes you cry for an hour and a half.....

Thursday, April 8, 2010

life is so trying sometimes....

unfortunately i am not. that is to say i do not.

i was trying. for a couple of months. and then i just stopped.

but i need to start again or things are going to get very ugly very fast.

i have pretty much screwed up both jobs it took me so long to get. why? cuz i went to van n got depressed i couldn't stay then came home and had my water heater blow up so one morning i was jus too tired and fed up to shower with cold water in the sink and i didn't go in. didn't call didn't go in, nothing. that was to job #1. kept going to job #2 until screwing up made me so depressed i started bingeing and staying in bed and got so bad i just didn't go there either.

and now i have stopped everything. stopped cleaning my house. stopped taking care of myself. meds ran out and i didn't go get more. i am eating more and more and doing less and less. i gained 8 pounds in a week and i want to die. i want to cut i want to hurt i want someone to hit me with a bus. i can't stand this.

but its my own fault because i gave up. on trying. on myself. on my future. on progress. on my health. and now i'm screwed again.

tomorrow i need to try. but what does that entail.....

tomorrow i get the tattoo i've been soooooo excited about for months. i'm not excited at all now. stupid depression. also, the tattoo is symbolic. symbolizes the change i went through at the beginning of the year and all the progress i made. the successes. my goals.

success change progress and goals are all gone. so tattoo not as exciting because i suck again. i hate myself sometimes. most times. i hate my life. but i am too lazy and stupid to change it. i keep giving in and giving up and accepting the same shitty stuff. hiding away. not living. not thriving. not moving. i want so much but have so little. and it is my own fault. its all my fault. i used to blame the disease but really its me.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"to be successful in life gravitate toward the standard of excellence, not the standard of acceptance."

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." MLK Jr

"If I have the belief I can do it, I shall certainly acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." Ghandi

"The future depends on what we do in the present." Ghandi

"under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed."

need to find the hope and will and drive again.

need to believe i am worth it

ugh

i think i need new or simply more drugs. the depression has crept in and is getting worse and worse....

lamotrigine is supposed to help with bipolar depression....

i am eating sooooooo much. i need to eat better. for my health, for my self esteem. the sugar and carbs just make the mood swings and sleep patterns worse. and the guilt and hatred from bingeing is so harmful.

i need to change so badly but i am soooo tired ALL the time. i want it, i just can't seem to get going. find the drive the motivation, the willpower.

feel like such a failure. such a disappointment. a loser. u waste. so broken. so useless.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

fml

spent all day in be. depressed. hating my life. and eating junk.

now i'm fat and alone and don't want to bother anymore.

i want to be in van but i'm stuk here til my stupid house sells. i want to go to school and be a makeup artist so bad, but i really don't think i'm gonna get in anywhere. i finally hav a drream but its either too late or i'm just not good enough.

i want to be with him so bad, but he's there and i'm here. and he's with her because she's there and i'm not. and she's not crazy. or annoying. or useless....

i can't stop crying. i can't stop eating. i'm trying to fill a hole, a void that will never be filled. because its never enuf. i'm never enuf. and now i feel so fat and ugly i want to punish myself. i hate the vicious circle. i hate it.

panic and guilt are setting in and i can't breathe. i wish it didn't just feel like i couldn't. i wish i really couldn't. i am so sick of all of this. i am so sik of me.

Monday, April 5, 2010

day one did not go well....

ok so i slept in...

had a nap.....

watched too much tv.....

binged on bread, perogies, chocolate, and cookies....

and purged....

so not a good start.

i can do this. I can do this. I CAN do this. I CAN DO this. I CAN DO THIS!!!!

tomorrow's plan.... wake up at a decent hour. you are fabulous, you deserve good things. no bingeing. no purging. call dr. call work. pick up meds. new tires.

breakfast: oatmeal, berries, yogurt
lunch: 3 egg whites, one egg, spinach, tomato, peppers, onion
supper: chicken or tuna, veggies, greens
snacks: almonds, apple, yogurt

now all i need is motivation and willpower

oh if only it were that easy....

also energy, drive, a meaningful goal, direction

and HELP

Sunday, April 4, 2010

so then who am I?????

ok so if i don't let the illness define me then who am i....????

i don't think i've known that for a really REALLY long time. i've been so wrapped up in being sick and being a victim that i have completely lost myself. i turned into the self hating, self abusive, cutting, bulimic, anorexic, rage-aholic, lazy, alcoholic, low sel esteem, scared, bipolar girl. i soooooooo don't want to be that anymore.

i am cristina

ok so who is that?

fuck who is that?

i am going to start an experiment tomorrow to try and figure this all out. and i will try to keep track of it on here so at least i have some record of it.

who do i want to be?

i don't want to binge eat anymore. i don't want to starve anymore either. i don't want to have any issues at all with food anymore.

i don't want to think i'm fat and hate my body.

i don't want to hate myself.

maybe i shouldn't focus so much on what i don't want. maybe positive is better and i should focus on what i do want.

i want to be happy. i want to love myself. i want to have a life and career i love. i want a healthy relationship with a great guy. i want to get my illness under control. i want to exercise and eat properly. i want to have a good relationship with both my daughters. i want to know who i am and be ok with me. i want to lead a long healthy productive life.

i am cristina i am kinz and kay's mom i am funny i am smart i am kind i am good at sports i am pretty i am tough i am resilient i am musical i am creative i am artistic i love shoes and clothes and makeup i love animals i love warm weather and hate cold weather i am impatient i am a perfectionist i am a good writer i am a good human being i have a horrible sense of direction(ha ha) i am a hard worker i am a quick learner i fall in love too easily i am loyal i am a good friend i am a sister i am a daughter i am insecure i am proud i am shy i am stylish i am loud i am fabulous i am trying i am trying i am trying i am learning i am not giving up

i need a change

i read something yesterday...

i'm not bipolar. i have bipolar.

hmmmmm

i'm not bipolar. i have bipolar. i'm cristina. i think i forget that a lot.

i've been in bed a lot again lately. eating. and crying. and doing nothing. i need to get out. and get up. and be cristina again.

as long as i haven't forgotten how.....

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i want a good body but i'm too lazy to exercise and i keep bingeing on junk....

i want to be healthy but i avoid therapy and my shrink. don't sleep properly, eat properly, or do most of the things i know would probably help me get there.....

i'm lonely but i'm too shy to go out and meet people. i want a relationship but i'm too afraid to tell the guy i like how i feel....

i want to rediscover my passions but i sit in bed all day watching tv...

i think that watching tv about weight loss and health will somehow help by osmosis....

i think that watching tv about fashion and beauty will somehow make me better by osmosis...

i used to think that calories didn't count if no one saw you eat them....

maybe its just wishful thinking....

maybe i'm delusional....

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

who am i????

i know there are things i used to like

i know there are things i used to want

i know there are things i used to want to do

i know there are things i loved, things i was passionate about, things i enjoyed

i just can't remember what they were. and now there isn't anything....

i don't know who i am anymore....

i don't know what i am anymore....

or who i want to be. or what i want to be.

i spend my time doing nothing because there's nothing else i want to be doing. its not all that boring because i don't realize what i'm missing.

i read things like "time is finite" "the future is determined by your actions in the present" "live each day like its your last" and all of these other inspirational quotes and I know I should be inspired and I know they should help me but I'm not and they don't.

I make plans to change and follow them for no more than a week. I set goals and never reach them. I keep telling myself I'll do everything tomorrow but never do. I lie to myself constantly so now I never believe myself. I have no faith in myself. I don't think I can do anything and I honestly believe I'm right because I've proven it over and over again.

I'm writing to myself on this stupid blog because I don't have anyone to talk to. My group is gone. I've got no one left. I tried to talk to one of the only friends I have left but he doesn't know about half of the shit that has happened to me so I can't even go into everything that is wrong. And I can't go into the food stuff with him because I'm so ashamed. I want to email a guy I know who has bp2 like me but I don't want to be annoying. So here I sit. Alone in my house, sitting in bed. Typing and crying. What a fucking mess. What a fucking disaster. Nice fucking epiphany cris. Real fucking progress.

I used to write. I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I used to LOVE clothes and makeup and fashion.

Now i do nothing.

Monday, March 22, 2010

self-defeating behaviours...

i am awake when i should be asleep. not because i can't sleep. just because i don't want to go to sleep.

i was supposed to do laundry today. and exercise. and clean my house. instead i stayed in bed all day and watched an entire season of project runway. oh and i got a twitter account. one more way for me to waste time doing something other than what i'm supposed to be doing. self-defeating behaviour number 1: procrastination number 2: rationalization (oh the twitter account will let me connect with other bipolar people, blah blah blah)

i was supposed to eat healthy today. instead all i had were several ice cream sandwiches and a LOT of fudgeos. self-defeating behaviour #3: overeating (i also engage in undereating depending on which side of the pendulum swing i'm on)

i have wanted to learn how to play the guitar since i was about 15. 4 or 5 years ago i bought myself a guitar. the only reason i bought the guitar was to impress the guy i was dating at the time (not unusual for me) but instead of taking advantage of the opportunity it sits in the corner collecting dust. in january i started teaching myself to play again. i played everyday for almost a month. then i just quit. i do that a lot. get really excited about something and then just quit once the new car smell wears off. i can't commit to a career, a job, a goal, a hobby, a relationship, anything.

i spend money i don't have on things i don't need. i do things to impress people who aren't even paying attention and wouldn't care even if they were.

i compare myself to everyone. i am always soooo afraid what everyone is thinking of me. i feel everyone is always judging me. always criticizing me. i am so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of doing the wrong thing. of saying something stupid. of having people laugh at me.

in high school a very close friend turned me into the joke and i'm still afraid to go back to that. my confidence was crushed in grade 9 and at 33 i still don't have it back. how pathetic is that? i've been living in, affected by, and afraid of the past for 19 years. 19 years i let that bitch of a bully ruin my life and my self worth. sure the illness and the other shit didn't help, but really??????

i'm awake when i really should be asleep. i hate myself even though i'm told people are naturally supposed to love themselves. i wish someone would run me over with a truck even though humans are programmed for self-preservation. i am so backwards it gives me a headache.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

i have a question....

something's always bothered me.

does bipolar make it impossible to deal with past abuse?

or does past abuse make it impossible for you to cope with your bipolar?

ok maybe not impossible.

is it one that makes the other worse? or do they both just feed off of each other? i wonder if there's any way of knowing. i wonder if it would matter......

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ok so now i'm that girl....

...you know the one. the one that cries in the bar. well its not like i cried-cried. but there were small tears. and i wanted to cry-cry. oh yeah, feelin pathetic again.

i wanted to cry before i even left the house because i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw something at it or scream or climb into bed or never leave my house again. i actually told my friend i went out with that i was considering never leaving my house again. i said it would've been easier to have been born ugly because having been cute once and now having to turn old ugly and fat is unbearable - nice hey???

i had a bad hair, bad face, fat day and it didn't start the night off well. then i felt alone and pathetic for still being single and having been single for so long (over a year now and not even a date in all that time) and thats when the mood went way downhill. well that and all the booze. i really shouldn't drink but i do anyway. i know what's good for me. exercise, sleep, proper diet, abstaining from alcohol. it's just so hard to always do the righ thing. and its never as much fun.

i'm having all these feelings of failure and its making things unbearable

i've failed as a mother. both my daughters live with their dads because i had a period when they were younger when i was too sick to function and then when i was their dads wouldn't give them back.

i've failed as a friend. i've let down every friend i ever had. lost touch. lied. not been there. all but a couple are gone.

i've failed as a student. dropped out a bunch of times. never finished anything. smart but so stupid.

i failed at my really well paying job now i work 2 minimum wage ones

i've failed at healing

i've failed at living, i've failed at functioning. i've failed at even being a human

now i failed again. i started a support group at my old university. for people with mood disorders. there wasn't one at all. the student union even contacted me and wanted to affiliate with us because they felt it was important to have. it started out so well. there was an amazing response. there were a lot of us. great people. great groups. really helping eachother. but i got sick. and showed up less. and people started dropping out of group. and i dropped out of school. and then the group was down to 5 of us. but it was an amazing 5. and we kept it going. and we helped eachother. we stayed strong. but now there's no one to left to organize it. 3 of us are gone from the university. the other 2 don't have the time to coordinate with the student union anymore. people are becoming too busy to come to meetings. and the thing i was so proud to have started because i was so happy to have helped people and to have met such amazing wonderful strong people is about to die. and it makes me sad. and i was supposed to find a way to keep this group sustainable beyond me, but i failed.

again

i'm really sick of being a failure

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

oh this again

i have insomnia. i have insomnia and bipolar. i have insomnia bipolar and bulimia. great combination. makes for a fun night. no puking. a lot of bingeing. a lot of pills. over exercising. laxatives. starving. bingeing. starving. pills. bingeing. food is the enemy. and my friend. but it makes me fat and fat is ugly. and i am ugly. oh the mind reels at 3 am......

sleep keeps you stable. so much for stable......

so i sit here all night watching entire seasons of project runway. i'm tired and i look like hell but i still can't sleep. silly me i'm more worried about the look like hell part ha ha. oh god i'm messed up.

for a whole month i thought i had turned a corner. for a whole month i thought things were headed in a whole new direction. that i had changed. that i was me again. that there was hope. that i was healing. that i could believe. HA!!! i had a few others fooled too! i did a few good things. i'm getting rid of my house to pay off a few stupid debts that are haunting me and make a smart investment for my future. i'm moving out of a boring small town that i hate and have hated for a long time. i am working for the first time in a long time. i no longer sleep all day long. i no longer hide out in my house most days.

BUT......

i still procrastinate. i still waste time and money. i still lie to myself and others. i still binge and purge. i still say i'm goin to do things and don't. still tell myself i'm not goin to do things and then do them. i break promises to myself. i break promises to Kayli. i am still afraid to fail. i am still afraid to succeed. i still don't believe in myself. i still doubt everything i do and say. i have no confidence at all. and i'm still worried all of this was more motivated by a guy than me. i'm still going even though the guy is gone and i can't have him and all that shit, but.... will i ever do anything really just for me??? i still don't really know who i am and what I/ME REALLY TRULY love and enjoy and want.

i am still lost. i still have no path. no real course or direction. i think i know what i want to do but i am sooooo scared to try because i am convinced that i will suck and that if i tell anyone what it is they will laugh at me. i'm doomed. i am lonely and don't have anyone left to talk to about this shit and i am typing to myself at 3:30 in the morning for fuck's sake. i have reached way beyond pathetic.

my absent-mindedness has now also reached epic, scary, and dangerous levels. almost totalled the car and possibly injured myself this morning. left the ticket in the mall pay parking thing again. walked to car. realized couldn't find ticket. went searching through purse for it. while searching through purse managed to take foot off brake not remembering that i had put car into drive - car went half way across underground parking without me realizing it was moving - while i rummaged through my purse. somehow by luck or fate i looked up and freaked out in time to slam on brakes and stop car so it stopped about 2 feet before slamming into cement pillar. how it missed the 2 i had gone by i have no idea. luckily it was in morning and lot was almost empty. luckily no one had been driving other way. when i stopped 3 people were staring at me in horror. i think they thought i had had a heart attack or fainted or something. i still had to get out and go back to the damn machine and get my ticket to get out of the damn parkade. something is wrong with my brain beyond the serotonin imbalances. scary shit wrong with it. i'm never lucky. that was fuckin lucky.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

i was going to go to therapy.... therapy is expensive. and i hate therapists. they can be very condescending. and stupid. and i've come across a couple who wouldn't know good advice if it hit them over the head 37 times with a bat. i was going to go to therapy. but i know what's wrong with me. i even know what i should probably be doing to fix it. i just don't seem to be able to. and the parts i don't know how to fix can't be fixed by journalling, or positive self talk, or hashing it out with some therapist.

i quit things. i quit so i can't fail. before i can fail. i'm not good enough. or atleast i don't think i am. i don't see myself as enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not strong enough. not thin enough. not anything enough. but i don't want anyone else to know for sure. i'm sure they have their suspicions. i know they're all thinking it. (this is my inner dialogue) but if i go balls out at something and fail, then they'll have their proof. undeniable evidence that i am a failure and i am just not good enough and i and they were right all along. quitting makes me a loser, but no one has proof of me not being enough. stupid hey? yes i am.

i'm cuter than average but i cry when i look in the mirror. i hate what i see and i pick apart every little flaw. i can't see one good thing, i see only what's wrong. i can't dwell on what's cute-only that i look tired or my pores or a freckle or wrinkle or how i'm getting old. i'm tiny but i look at myself and all i see is fat. i see what's wrong. i abuse food. i abuse my body. because i am never happy with what i see. its never good enough. so i give up. and get disgusting. then hate myself so much i have to starve to fix it. then can't anymore..... i can't anymore

i got straight a's. i'm afraid to speak cuz i'm afraid i'll say something stupid. i can't finish university cuz i keep quitting. my average is over 80 so its not cuz its hard. i'm a genius but i'm retarded. my iq is insane but at the age of 33 i work 7 days a week at 2 minimum wage mindless jobs.

i hate myself. i truly truly do and makes me cry. i am a bad mother, a bad daughter. a bad friend. a bad everything. i've wanted to die so many times. i'm trying to live now but i don't know how. how do you live with yourself when you feel like this? you wouldn't live with another human being who hated you you so how do you live with yourself when you hate you? and don't say learn to love yourself. learn? how do you learn? some people love themselves and some people don't. once you stop, once that is taken from you i don't know if that can ever be returned.....

i want a man i can't have. i let his girlfriend's posts on his facebook site ruin my day. i hate her and i don't even know her. like i said i'm retarded.

and i think i don't need therapy.

Friday, February 26, 2010

wat the hell happened.....

i was in advanced math, science and english. school was easy for me. i got 90's without trying. now i help people pick out and try on clothes for minimum wage.

i was a natural athlete. i was creative. artistic. musical. funny. outgoing. now i'm lazy. and shy. and afraid. and meek. with no confidence or faith in myself. i'm scared to sing. scared to play anymore cuz i'm afraid i'll just sound bad. i'm afraid to do anything because i'm worried it will suk (i assume it will suk) and i'll get laughed at.

i'm in stuck in a hole so deep i can't see out. there's no ladder. no rope. and no one at the top to pull me out. i'm curled up at the bottom alone and losing hope. there's a light at the top but i can't reach it. i can see it. i long for it. i want it. but i don't know how to get there. the walls are too steep. and the hole is too dark. i start clawing my way up but keep slipping back down. so i'm stuck in this hole. way too dark. way too cold.

desperation. discouragement. emptiness. yearning. loneliness. helplessness. blame. terror. pain. hopelessness.

epiphanies don't help when you can't follow through. it doesn't matter if you know what to do if you're not able to do it. it's even worse when you don't even know what to do. i don't understand. i feel just lost and out of control and hollow and the fear and pain are unbearable. i hate the situation. i hate myself for letting it get to this point. and if i'm honest i hate myself. i hate him. i hate her. and i am sooooooo tired of all of this. i just want it to be ok. i just want to be able to live. i want to wake up and just want to be able to be. i don't want every day to be a fight. why does every day have to be so hard. why is every day such a battle just to get through. i've come so far and yet i'm still nowhere. its too much. its not fair and i am so fucking sick of it. i don't want pity i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me i just want this to stop. i just want to not have to feel like this all the time. i don't know what i'm grateful for today. today was a bad day. today was hell. i guess i'm grateful it wasn't any worse

Thursday, February 25, 2010

good day/bad day

i need to tackle this one day at a time. i can't fathom it any other way. the thought of eating properly every day is too much. the thought of not losing my temper ever again is too much. the thought of staying healthy for life is too much. i need to break it down. and a year is too long. a month is too long. right now a week seems too long. so tomorrow i need to wake up and set my daily goals. eat like a healthy human just for that day. exercise that day. don't do anything stupid that day.

a huge monetary setback today. kinda kills my ability to head west and be able to take any kind of classes when i get there. how can i start a new life with no money at all? i have no skills no training i can't afford school with a minimum wage job living in the 3rd most expensive city in the country.....

2 steps forward then i get kicked in the face and shoved 15 feet backward onto my ass......

i need to go to sleep now but i am still not sleeping properly even though i am exhausted. i look exhausted too. not doing much for my confidence as that still seems to be way to tied into my looks. feeling fat and frumpy and short and tired looking and old and wrinkly and splotchy and it is not good. bad time to look like me. the hotter we start out the further we fall. and the fall from grace is painful. long and painful. which is vain and should be irrelevant considering all my other much more serious problems but i am image obsessed so.......

trying to do some positive self talk.... i am very smart. i am very good at any job i try. people seem to like me and get along with me. (although i seem to talk too much and say too much and need to learn to just shut up sometimes but i'll work on that) i am fun. i am funny. i am creative. i am smart. (said it twice but it deserves it) i am pretty awesome when i'm healthy so i gotta get my ass healthy. and i have a kick ass wicked bod when i eat normally and work out a bit. (good genetics) so i NEED to do that. good for me physically and emotionally.

any big epiphanies today? not really. just day by day. can't quit. get up off my ass tomorrow and start takin steps again and hope next time i don't get kicked in the face again.

smart choices. i have to always remember - smart choices. think before i act. think before i speak. think before i do. think before i decide.

ideas...... research victim bipolar self hate/esteem link, healthy people self love source, path to that for former
accu too expensive now - pt only way, would be 39 when done......???????
make up could prob afford, get info - talk to alisha..... is it really a career thing or just a fool around on urself thing??

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

new epiphany......

yesterday i screamed at a man in my car. a man who wasn't there. it wasn't a hallucination. it was a real person. a person from the past. a person i wish i really could scream at. i person i probably could scream at. i addition to screaming at myself.

yesterday i realized that my bipolar may not be my biggest problem. i had a christmas epiphany, but it wasn't the right epiphany. this is....

this isn't about depression. this isn't about mania. this isn't about mixed states or meds or any of that.

he took more than i had to give and i have never felt whole again. an empty shell, a hollowed out tree. i have spent my life trying to fill this void with so many useless substitutes but its never enough. i'm still empty and i still feel like there's nothing inside.

she stabbed me in the back and she abandoned me. she lied. she took what was most precious to me. and she robbed me of any faith and confidence that i had left. i stopped walking tall that day. i stopped looking people in the eye. i heart fell that day. i lost myself that day. and i lost my best friend that day.

but i let them keep that power. i let affect me this long. i let them take over my life. i thought i had dealt with this. i have taken positive action several times to deal with all of this. and i have healed. at least i thought i had....

so why am i still screaming at them in my car? why do i still hate the person in the mirror? why do i not believe deep down that i can really change and succeed? there are a couple of things i want to do in life but in my heart i don't believe anything i do or think up will ever be good enough for someone else to want or think is good. i don't think i'm good enough. or ever will be. i want to. i really really want to. i just don't know how.

do i keep screaming at people in my car? do i just let it go? i thought i had let it go.

i wish the bipolar was my biggest problem. you can medicate that. you can't medicate this.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

sooooo tired. omg tired, but still not sleeping properly. layin in bed watchin tv at night instead of cleaning up my sleep habits and trying to do the right thing. i kno whats good for me, i just hav so much trouble actually doing wats good for me. i am such a self saboteur. its like i want to change but i'm so afraid of the change or so afraid of failing i do stuff to increase chances of failure from illness so i can cop out and start making excuses again. i don't want that but i am stuck in such a vicious fuckin circle and i honestly don't know how to get out. i have been like this for so long. its easy to say "well just don't be like that" or "just do the right things, the right way". but its not always that easy. i mean it is. but when u've convinced urself of these things for so long its like u've brainwashed urself into believing that u really are a horrible ugly awful useless waste of space who will never succeed and never accomplish anything. its hard to deprogram that. i want to. i'm tryin to. but its hard. i'm havin trouble with sleep. with food (yeah i'm body obsessed too - i've pretty much got it all). with confidence. with dependency. with honesty. with trust. i need a life coach. except that i need to learn how to coach myself so where do you go for that? therapy? i hate therapists. which i realize is a generalization, but.... i need to find the strength within. i just don't know where to look. it must be buried pretty damn deep. but its gotta be there right? before all the shit, before i was hurt before i was damaged before i got sick - i was strong and happy and liked me. so its possible. and natural. they say forgive urself but again i dunno how. i'm probably over thinking. maybe i'm making it too hard. i just don't know anymore. i know it still hurts. i know it still feels like i'm in hell way too often. and i know it still feels like it could fall apart at any moment. but i also know that i can't live like this anymore. that i need more. that i gotta find a way out. magical pills aren't doin it. excuses aren't doin it. complainin isn't doin it. hidin didn't do it. action. but wat action. baby steps i guess. baby steps and then if i head in the wrong direction i won't be very far off the right path and it'll be easy to get bak on. baby steps and forgiveness. i wish somehow i could feel strong. feel luv for me. true real luv for me....

Thursday, February 18, 2010

a conundrum......

ok so my first post was really really long winded and quite self serving but it made me feel better so all good. here's my current problem. i had basically opted out of life for 8 years and used the bipolar as an excuse. i shut down, stopped trying, was stuck, numb, turned off, and just didn't care about anything. and i didn't even realize it. now i'm awake and tuned in and i care that my life sucks and i'm going nowhere and i'm trying to change it. but every time i start making progress my illness rears its ugly head and i crash into a 3 day depression or have some CRAZY mixed states or...... how do you get ahead and keep going when it keeps kickin you in the teeth? this is my problem. i spent so long not caring that i have yet to figure this out. the discouragement is frustrating. my motivation is dwindling. crap.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

here goes.....

so there's no point starting at the beginning. it just would take too long. i'll sum up. i got sick when i was 16. didn't know it was bipolar 2 until i was 21. i have been on almost 20 different medications, had ECT, acupuncture, therapy, and NUMEROUS hospitalizations. I have used alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, attention, food, and material things to try and deflect or numb the pain. I have tried to hide from it, deny i have it, run from it, ignore it, deal with it unsuccessfully, give up, and just lay down and die. after 17 years i still don't know what i'm doing and that scares me. it makes me sad. as i type this it makes me cry. a month and a half ago i had what i like to call my christmas epiphany. here's the background. i haven't worked in 8 years. i've been in hiding. i've been avoiding life basically just faking my way through it for 8 years. and not even really realizing that 8 years had gone by. i had shut down. i had completely turned off. i had no dreams, goals, hopes, aspirations. there was nothing i wanted. nothing i could see myself doing. i couldn't make any kind of decision at all. i couldn't order in restaurants let alone plan and execute my life. in 32 years on the planet and months and months in hospital wards i had never met another person with bipolar 2. i felt isolated, i felt alone. i kind of felt like maybe it was really rare and it was soooo much worse than bipolar 1. and i felt like the most broken useless person on the planet. unfortunately i often still feel like the most broken useless person on the planet but i am working on that. hopefully. and i had basically convinced myself that all my failures and the fact that i had dropped out of university 3 times and hadn't worked in almost a decade and barely left my house and was totally irresponsible was the bipolar's fault. i copped out. i blamed the illness. i know the illness didn't help, but i let it be my excuse. and a lot of people in my life let me let it be my excuse for a really long time. familiar with enablers??? i have them. i needed someone to kick me in the ass a long time ago. i know we need to take responsibility for ourselves, but when you are so young and dealing with this and trying to figure it out and people just keep letting you get away with shit time and time again.... anyhow. so at xmas i met someone with bipolar 2. someone i knew from a long time ago. and we had a great talk. and it wasn't even so much who he was, but just the fact that he was someone with my disease. i wasn't alone anymore. and he has a life. and a career. and a business. and friends. and....... excuse gone. in one moment my excuse was shattered. and the isolation was sorta gone. and the weird thing is since running into him i've met another girl with bipolar 2 as well. none for 32 years now 2 in a month and a half. anyhoo. excuse gone. a week later i tell my parents i'm looking for a job. they tell me to stay on disabilty because i'll make more money than at a crappy job and it'll be easier on me. WTF??!!! ok so now i see that my parents see me as completely broken and useless too. and then they compare me to a 60 year old man with a bad heart who can't walk 2 blocks and tell me not to be embarrassed about not working. WTF?! 60 year old heart patient? I ignored them and now have a part time job and am fixing up my house in a very small town to move in to a larger city. Soon after the job conversation my parents as well as a couple other people in my family felt the need to ask me in very condescending tones if I knew it was more expensive to live in a city than a small town. excuse me? and if i knew what rent was in said city. WTF. i'm 33 years old and they were talking to me like a 16 year old threatening to run away and live on her own. so broken, useless, and not able to take care of herself. soon after, the whole i'm 33 thing sank in (my bday is beginning of Feb). and soon after that, the 8 years on disability thing sank in. which turned into, OMG i wasted 8 years. which led to "if i don't figure this out i'm gonna waste 16 years and be stuck here when i'm 41 wondering where the hell my life went". so that string of events is what i called my xmas epiphany. it got me off my ass. i got a job. i'm still looking for another. it got me to finish renos on house and get it up for sale. it got me to go from 16 hours of sleep (or more) a day to 6-8. i get outta bed everyday and do things. my house is clean. and i have a plan and a goal again. yay! or i did. until sunday. when i crashed. on top of bipolar 2 i have rapid cycling and mixed states which makes me near impossible to medicate. lucky me. sunday i crashed. the mixed states started and i have been all over the map since. it's now wednesday. epiphany may have been mania. apparently hypo-mania can last that long. my first glimmer of hope in soooooo long and now i'm worried its gone. my theme for this year was hope. change. progress. balance. happiness. now i feel like i'm starting to drown again. part of my plan was to move halfway across the country once my house sells. i love my family and i thank them for all the shit they've gotten me out of, but i can't be around them anymore. not like this. if the hope is gone can i still do it? even with the hope gone i don't wanna be where i am now. i was so happy i was so excited i actually saw a future. i saw a way to get through this. to live with it. deal with it. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh. sometimes you just need to scream. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. i want it soooooo bad. i will not let this beat me. god if anyone out there ever reads this and you feel like you're drowning or being crushed or can't breathe or like it will never end pls just don't give up. it won't ever go away but we can deal. there is a way. i know there is. and if i can find it anyone can. if i figure it out i'll let you know.