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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Did I really just say that outloud?????

"get on the scale maybe you'll have a good day." is what I said to myself and then sat there stunned and a little afraid. Is this what I've become? 3 digits (preferably 2) on a digital scale, letting this heartless souless machine that doesn't even know what the numbers mean decide my destiny for the day and put a smile on my face or tears in my eyes. You see I've always just thought of myself as someone with bipolar 2 and body image "issues", but lately these issues have been morphing into full on taking over my life and thoughts. There has to be a way to take back my life.... I just haven't figured it out yet.

4 comments:

  1. Chris, I found you by a fluke and I read most of your blogs. You are an incredible woman, do you know that ? you wrote things that touched my heart and made me feel I am not the only one. You are so courageous to write such a beautiful blog (please don't stop writing you have great beautiful style of writing and I will always read it) I tried to post about my life and my story but it was too long and exceeded the post limit. My email is jmurphy951@gmail.com please email me and I will copy/paste what i wrote and I think you are going to be pretty happy with what I have to say. I spent a lot of time writing it because I am happy to meet someone who is going through things that are the same as my life. Once again my email is jmurphy951@gmail.com if it fails then post and I will give you my Yahoo email. Like I said this may change your life and if does, the beautiful courageous woman you are I want you to share the prescription medication I take given by very few Psychiatrists. After 17 years of hell and now taking it for almost 2 years, may 31st will be 2 years maybe I will call that my new birthday ! The med changed my life to be able to become 'normal' happy, non-social phobic etc, yes there are many things for me still to be resolved, I would say this med took me from being 10% to about 50% and that's good enough for me because it gives me hope to start exercising which I am now walking a lot food changes, going out with friends, and social activities where i meet new people and not being scared as much. It's a prescription medicine given by few Psychiatrists but very few people in the world and most all Psychiatrists and GP's don't give it out because of the many side affects and contradictions especially food, so I don't want to mention the name until we talk and see how you feel about that. You will read everything in my email.

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  2. Cris the drug I found that changed life for Major Depression is called Phenelzine (Nardil) it's the first MAOI-A ever created. It is incredible. It is AWESOME but also DANGEROUS that is why i didn't want you to run to it. Here's the history: but don't trust anyone o the net or wiki or even the company which is now Phyzer(they changed the formula in 2003 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monoamine_oxidase_inhibitor

    Chris it seems to me to you have Major Depression like me, that is what I have. I know your a tough chick and you want to get happiness on your own actions. But I live here too and i'm suffering because even this med is not the complete answer and actually there is problems i am suffering with it. I live in Vancouver like I think you do when i found you as a fluke LOL i was searching for LIONS GATE ENT. lol but we should talk my phone is 778-862-8040 and my real name is Peter I use Randy cause I hate spam lol.

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  3. Hi, Cris. I found you randomly through Twitter and peeked at your blog. It was strange to read your posts, because I recognize that inner dialog which you transmit to writing so well. Our issues aren't entirely the same, but the way you process things in your head resonates so deeply with me. Bipolar II depression is such a lonely place to be, so impossibly indescribable, so isolating, so hateful, so devoid of hope. To feel not good enough at such a fundamental, all-encompassing level seems an interminable death. Not good enough for what? Just not good enough. Not good enough to be a person. That is so hard to convey to others, right? You are doing a nice job of that here. But I know the internal hell rages on, and it's worse for the cycling because you get periodic tastes of hope. My hope for you is the same as my hope for me: that we would learn a different type of functioning, where success and acceptability are measured differently; not by career, not by state of one's house, nor by one's body--but by something intrinsic that we discover to be very utterly and solidly good enough.

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  4. Michelle, I agree with you 100% Chris has the guts to talk when i only told my mom and maybe 2 friends but then i didn't care cause all friends knew eventually but they luv me. I would spend years (no lie) not talking to any of them, sitting in my apartment, they try to get in then I shut off my buzzer, because they know i'm not feeling right but they like me because i'm cool and fun to go out and drink, but then i shut it. Reason I say 'something' is cause they the so called genius Doctors and Psychiatrists diagnosed me with BP, and too many things before that and after. It's been hell and I never feel normal unless somebody who is going thru the same stuff, I wish chris would talk.

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