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Monday, September 26, 2011

today was a bad day

yesterday was a bad day

this week has been bad

last week was really bad

in fact, this whole month has been really, really bad....

as i sit here alone, as usual, drinking wine and listening to depressing powerful music I contemplate for the 12th time today taking a handful of pills and praying for sleep. i think i wanna die, but i'm too scared to pull the trigger. i don't believe in heaven, i don't believe in God so if I did die I'd never know it, I'd just cease to be and the world would go on. My family would be sad I'm sure, but not much else would change in the world. It doesn't make any rational sense to be afraid of nothingness, yet silly me somehow I am. There's also the guilt of making people cry, or hurting them by leaving even though I know for a fact their lives will go on much better without me.

So mostly I contemplate ways to sleep. And pass the days. And try to find ways to make myself sick, or slowly poison myself so it quite such an obvious suicide and the guilt will be less. I hope to somehow get cancer. It's sick, I know. But if there was a way to take one useful happy cancer patient and trade places with them I would. I would take their disease and the the death sentence and let them live so that I may die. At least that disease is accepted, is somehow dignified and worthy of sympathy, pity and understanding while my disease remains stigmatized, misunderstood, judged, and mocked. At least the fatal nature of cancer is accepted while the fatal pain and horrendous nature of my disease is looked down upon and judged in the most negative light.

I give up. I wanna give up so bad. It hurts. I hurts every day.

I'm scared

I'm lonely

I'm hurting

I'm crying

I'm tired

I'm just so tired of it all.....

I need help, but don't really want it

I'm so lost.....

"sometimes I feel down. believe me it's worse than it sounds." desert radio 'down'

so much worse

3 comments:

  1. I'm very scared for you after reading this blog post. Please reach out and get some help. Call someone...a family member, a friend, a crisis line! Have you seen the website www.bandbacktogether.com It's a wonderful site and resource! Come and be part of The Band!

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  2. I just read your whole blog. Twice. I don't know you and you don't know me, so I realize anything I say probably doesn't matter to you, but I really really hope things get better for you. You are not alone. Please reach out if you are feeling down, things WILL get better this will be a distant memory one day:)

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  3. This post is amazing Chris. I have tears in my eyes, as every word rings so true, I could have written them myself. You have a real gift.

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