What did you just say to me???

I told myself I was going to write more often, but I have been struggling with that. It seems I am only inspired to write when I truly have something to say. Well tonight is one of those times. I truly have something to say....

If you as a parent and you teach your children only one thing, let it be this: you are not better than anyone else on the planet, just different than and you do not have the right to be mean, cruel, judgmental, or rude to anyone ever just because you feel like it.

I was bullied horribly in high school. By a jealous "friend", by her new "friends", by a lot of people. In grade 10 I gained 10 pounds after quitting competitive gymnastics. I went from a 2 to a 6. At a party a guy actually made pig noises at me. At 5'3 and 125 pounds someone oinked at me and people laughed. Then they joined in. That is when my disordered relationship with food, and absolute hatred of my body began.

Now at 35 it is happening again. I gained some weight after moving to Vancouver for various reasons including loneliness, laziness, and age. At 5'3 and 120 pounds I was again called fat. And laughed at. And told "ya you're way too big for me". I have been fighting my ED for 20 years and had recently reached a point where I honestly felt like I could say I was in recovery. Until tonight......


Is this person important? No.

Will I ever see him or any of his jerk friends again? Probably not.

Are they worth my anxiety, anger, and time? Not in the least.


And yet here I sit. Alone. Wounded. And crying. Because once again I am the 15 year old at the party getting oinked at. I ran home and cried, vowing to never eat or leave my house again just like I did 20 years ago. I have gained a lot of strength in those 20 years but deep down I'm worried I will always be that lonely wounded little girl at the party. Who, for the first time in her life, thought "I'm not good enough" and has been fighting that feeling ever since.

How dare you? What ever made you think that you have the right to say anything like that to anyone ever? You disgust me.

And yet your words tore me down, ripped me to shreds, and hurt me more than you'll ever know,

I'm 35 years old, I had hoped the bullying had ended a very long time ago. I guess I was wrong.

Sadly, I was very very wrong.

oh this again

i have insomnia. i have insomnia and bipolar. i have insomnia bipolar and bulimia. great combination. makes for a fun night. no puking. a lot of bingeing. a lot of pills. over exercising. laxatives. starving. bingeing. starving. pills. bingeing. food is the enemy. and my friend. but it makes me fat and fat is ugly. and i am ugly. oh the mind reels at 3 am......

sleep keeps you stable. so much for stable......

so i sit here all night watching entire seasons of project runway. i'm tired and i look like hell but i still can't sleep. silly me i'm more worried about the look like hell part ha ha. oh god i'm messed up.

for a whole month i thought i had turned a corner. for a whole month i thought things were headed in a whole new direction. that i had changed. that i was me again. that there was hope. that i was healing. that i could believe. HA!!! i had a few others fooled too! i did a few good things. i'm getting rid of my house to pay off a few stupid debts that are haunting me and make a smart investment for my future. i'm moving out of a boring small town that i hate and have hated for a long time. i am working for the first time in a long time. i no longer sleep all day long. i no longer hide out in my house most days.

BUT......

i still procrastinate. i still waste time and money. i still lie to myself and others. i still binge and purge. i still say i'm goin to do things and don't. still tell myself i'm not goin to do things and then do them. i break promises to myself. i break promises to Kayli. i am still afraid to fail. i am still afraid to succeed. i still don't believe in myself. i still doubt everything i do and say. i have no confidence at all. and i'm still worried all of this was more motivated by a guy than me. i'm still going even though the guy is gone and i can't have him and all that shit, but.... will i ever do anything really just for me??? i still don't really know who i am and what I/ME REALLY TRULY love and enjoy and want.

i am still lost. i still have no path. no real course or direction. i think i know what i want to do but i am sooooo scared to try because i am convinced that i will suck and that if i tell anyone what it is they will laugh at me. i'm doomed. i am lonely and don't have anyone left to talk to about this shit and i am typing to myself at 3:30 in the morning for fuck's sake. i have reached way beyond pathetic.

my absent-mindedness has now also reached epic, scary, and dangerous levels. almost totalled the car and possibly injured myself this morning. left the ticket in the mall pay parking thing again. walked to car. realized couldn't find ticket. went searching through purse for it. while searching through purse managed to take foot off brake not remembering that i had put car into drive - car went half way across underground parking without me realizing it was moving - while i rummaged through my purse. somehow by luck or fate i looked up and freaked out in time to slam on brakes and stop car so it stopped about 2 feet before slamming into cement pillar. how it missed the 2 i had gone by i have no idea. luckily it was in morning and lot was almost empty. luckily no one had been driving other way. when i stopped 3 people were staring at me in horror. i think they thought i had had a heart attack or fainted or something. i still had to get out and go back to the damn machine and get my ticket to get out of the damn parkade. something is wrong with my brain beyond the serotonin imbalances. scary shit wrong with it. i'm never lucky. that was fuckin lucky.