oh this again

i have insomnia. i have insomnia and bipolar. i have insomnia bipolar and bulimia. great combination. makes for a fun night. no puking. a lot of bingeing. a lot of pills. over exercising. laxatives. starving. bingeing. starving. pills. bingeing. food is the enemy. and my friend. but it makes me fat and fat is ugly. and i am ugly. oh the mind reels at 3 am......

sleep keeps you stable. so much for stable......

so i sit here all night watching entire seasons of project runway. i'm tired and i look like hell but i still can't sleep. silly me i'm more worried about the look like hell part ha ha. oh god i'm messed up.

for a whole month i thought i had turned a corner. for a whole month i thought things were headed in a whole new direction. that i had changed. that i was me again. that there was hope. that i was healing. that i could believe. HA!!! i had a few others fooled too! i did a few good things. i'm getting rid of my house to pay off a few stupid debts that are haunting me and make a smart investment for my future. i'm moving out of a boring small town that i hate and have hated for a long time. i am working for the first time in a long time. i no longer sleep all day long. i no longer hide out in my house most days.

BUT......

i still procrastinate. i still waste time and money. i still lie to myself and others. i still binge and purge. i still say i'm goin to do things and don't. still tell myself i'm not goin to do things and then do them. i break promises to myself. i break promises to Kayli. i am still afraid to fail. i am still afraid to succeed. i still don't believe in myself. i still doubt everything i do and say. i have no confidence at all. and i'm still worried all of this was more motivated by a guy than me. i'm still going even though the guy is gone and i can't have him and all that shit, but.... will i ever do anything really just for me??? i still don't really know who i am and what I/ME REALLY TRULY love and enjoy and want.

i am still lost. i still have no path. no real course or direction. i think i know what i want to do but i am sooooo scared to try because i am convinced that i will suck and that if i tell anyone what it is they will laugh at me. i'm doomed. i am lonely and don't have anyone left to talk to about this shit and i am typing to myself at 3:30 in the morning for fuck's sake. i have reached way beyond pathetic.

my absent-mindedness has now also reached epic, scary, and dangerous levels. almost totalled the car and possibly injured myself this morning. left the ticket in the mall pay parking thing again. walked to car. realized couldn't find ticket. went searching through purse for it. while searching through purse managed to take foot off brake not remembering that i had put car into drive - car went half way across underground parking without me realizing it was moving - while i rummaged through my purse. somehow by luck or fate i looked up and freaked out in time to slam on brakes and stop car so it stopped about 2 feet before slamming into cement pillar. how it missed the 2 i had gone by i have no idea. luckily it was in morning and lot was almost empty. luckily no one had been driving other way. when i stopped 3 people were staring at me in horror. i think they thought i had had a heart attack or fainted or something. i still had to get out and go back to the damn machine and get my ticket to get out of the damn parkade. something is wrong with my brain beyond the serotonin imbalances. scary shit wrong with it. i'm never lucky. that was fuckin lucky.

i was going to go to therapy.... therapy is expensive. and i hate therapists. they can be very condescending. and stupid. and i've come across a couple who wouldn't know good advice if it hit them over the head 37 times with a bat. i was going to go to therapy. but i know what's wrong with me. i even know what i should probably be doing to fix it. i just don't seem to be able to. and the parts i don't know how to fix can't be fixed by journalling, or positive self talk, or hashing it out with some therapist.

i quit things. i quit so i can't fail. before i can fail. i'm not good enough. or atleast i don't think i am. i don't see myself as enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not strong enough. not thin enough. not anything enough. but i don't want anyone else to know for sure. i'm sure they have their suspicions. i know they're all thinking it. (this is my inner dialogue) but if i go balls out at something and fail, then they'll have their proof. undeniable evidence that i am a failure and i am just not good enough and i and they were right all along. quitting makes me a loser, but no one has proof of me not being enough. stupid hey? yes i am.

i'm cuter than average but i cry when i look in the mirror. i hate what i see and i pick apart every little flaw. i can't see one good thing, i see only what's wrong. i can't dwell on what's cute-only that i look tired or my pores or a freckle or wrinkle or how i'm getting old. i'm tiny but i look at myself and all i see is fat. i see what's wrong. i abuse food. i abuse my body. because i am never happy with what i see. its never good enough. so i give up. and get disgusting. then hate myself so much i have to starve to fix it. then can't anymore..... i can't anymore

i got straight a's. i'm afraid to speak cuz i'm afraid i'll say something stupid. i can't finish university cuz i keep quitting. my average is over 80 so its not cuz its hard. i'm a genius but i'm retarded. my iq is insane but at the age of 33 i work 7 days a week at 2 minimum wage mindless jobs.

i hate myself. i truly truly do and makes me cry. i am a bad mother, a bad daughter. a bad friend. a bad everything. i've wanted to die so many times. i'm trying to live now but i don't know how. how do you live with yourself when you feel like this? you wouldn't live with another human being who hated you you so how do you live with yourself when you hate you? and don't say learn to love yourself. learn? how do you learn? some people love themselves and some people don't. once you stop, once that is taken from you i don't know if that can ever be returned.....

i want a man i can't have. i let his girlfriend's posts on his facebook site ruin my day. i hate her and i don't even know her. like i said i'm retarded.

and i think i don't need therapy.