You know who you are.....

You know who you are.

You thought the Charlie Sheen debacle last year was funny not sad. You ridicule and judge the homeless person downtown who mumbles to himself or shouts at strangers. And you think that I am crazy, unstable, needy, and merely trying to get attention because I have bipolar.

You don't realize that Charlie Sheen has a mental illness. Either one that has been around most of his life that he is trying to self-medicate, or one brought on by heavy drug use that is now out of control. Regardless it is an illness. No more his fault than someone who gets cancer, either because of genetics or because they smoked a pack a day for 20 years. You see his breakdown as a comedy not a tragedy, Nd you are wrong.

You don't realize that the homeless man downtown didn't choose to be homeless. He is schizophrenic or severely bipolar and was forced onto the streets when the government closed the city's only residential mental health hospital and gave him nowhere else to go. You blame him for his situation and wash your hands of him just like the government, and you are wrong.

You don't realize that I am a brilliant, creative, wounded soul who would not choose this life for anything. I was abused as a six year old, bullied as a teenager, and hospitalized for the first time at 17. I have spent the last 17 years on a hellish rollercoaster. Fighting just to survive, trying to build something of a life for myself, being beat up by an illness that many people blame me for and think is funny. You decide that I am a lazy, out of control attention whore who doesn't deserve your respect, and you are wrong.

Mental health bullying is wrong. Judging us for having an illness that is out of our control is the same as bullying someone for the colour of their skin, the amount of money their parents make, or their sexual orientation. The tragic suicides of gay youth in the latter part of 2011 brought bullying into the limelight. Good. People need to talk about it, they need to know that it is wrong, and gay youth need to be supported and given hope. It's time we call out the bullies and those ignorant of what we really go through, and tell them it is wrong, and give mentally ill youth hope. I know at 17 I could have used it. I survived, barely. I knew young people that didn't.

You know who you are.

And you are wrong.

And you need to stop.

Now.

Just call me Ms Dragon

This past New Year's I did what millions of other people did, I made a resolution. I resolved to get out of bed and stop hiding, stop bingeing on junk food, watch less tv, exercise even a little bit every week, and make something of my sad hopeless life. The only part I've managed to keep is the junk food part, for the most part I've been eating healthy reasonably sized meals. Otherwise I've completely failed.

Now I realize that setting goals and making changes based on the rolling over of the calendar is a purely psychological trigger, but I tend to be a black-and-white-thinking fatalist and had settled into the belief that since the first 21 days of 2012 were a depressing failure the rest of the year was a hopeless write-off so why bother. I understand this is a gross overreaction, but it was what my serotonin starved, bedridden brain had decided. Until I read an article this morning on the Chinese New Year and the year of the dragon. It dawned on me that I have another shot at "new year new me" and it gave me hope on this dreary morning. And as I've stated before, hope is a rare commodity in my life so I try to embrace anything that triggers it. So instead of a fabulous me in 2012 I am now going to work on a fantastic me in the year of the dragon. Completely arbitrary, totally psychological as it doesn't actually take a new year to start making a new you, but like I said anything that triggers hope in my dark world gets my attention.

Now i am not at all spiritual or superstitious, in fact I think astrology is ridiculous hokum, so colour me a hypocrite and let's continue. For it wasn't just the fact that tomorrow is the start of a new lunar year, but what I read about the year of the dragon that inspired me. The dragon is considered to be the most powerful of all the Chinese zodiac symbols, and is associated with high energy, prosperity, and superior control. When I read this I realized that that was basically what I was shooting for with my original resolutions. The dragon is seen as a good symbol that brings with it a change from bad to good. How perfect? That's exactly what I need. I further discovered that this past year was the year of the rabbit, a symbol associated with instability, and unstable is a very apt description of this past year. I took this as a sign that I need to try again, and take advantage of "the change from bad to good" whether I'm superstitious or not.

I also learned that when creating the dragon totem ancient Chinese tribes combined totems of the Phoenix, tiger, lion, and scorpion so the dragon is considered to be "everything". If you're a dragon you're everything. And that is what I want, to be everything I've ever dreamed of. Strong, courageous, successful, innovative, hard working, and happy. It seems like I've been side tracked forever because of this illness, but this is the year of the water dragon. A year that only comes around once every sixty. So maybe this my year, my rare unique year to finally conquer. To make a change and succeed instead of fail.

It's completely superstitious and ridiculous, but so what? Nothing else has worked so why not give it a try? It has given me hope that maybe this year will not be a total write off so I'm gonna run with it. First step, actually get out of bed tomorrow and accomplish something other than 10 hours of tv watching and a nap. Wish me luck.

Call me Ms Dragon. I am everything.

Why would I help someone I hate?

I can't seem to get inspired to write. To be honest, I can't seem to get inspired to do much of anything. I know that it's wrong and unhealthy to use the word "useless" in reference to myself but that is how I truly feel. I have zero energy and no amount of sleep, healthy food, or stimulants seems to change that. I have zero motivation, no resilience, no resolve. I have turned into a sedentary, lazy, do nothing lump. I know what needs to be done and what I should be doing, but I am physically and mentally unable to do anything other than sit or lay here and manage to breathe. I walk past my dirty kitchen, think about cleaning it, start to cry, then lay back down and turn on the tv. I sit in bed for hours on end thinking "wow I am so bored I wish I could be doing...." but I don't move, I don't change, I don't do anything. I feel hopeless, frustrated, scared, and alone. Fear has paralyzed me to the point that I have just stopped trying. I don't think I even know how to try anymore. I have given up so much that the only thing I am capable of right now is sitting here and not dying. I can manage to keep myself alive, but that's about it. I don't trust myself, I don't believe in myself, and I don't love myself. And when that is the case what's the point of even trying? I feel like such a failure and I hate myself for it. And why would I ever help someone I hate???

You all just made me cry....

I can't believe anyone actually read what I wrote.

Most of the time I feel like a babbling fool.

I don't consider myself important or interesting, so to come back to this blog after nearly a year's absence and find that people had not only read it, but taken the time to comment... wow. I'm touched, honoured, and humbled. I promise to write more as soon as I have something real to say. (right now I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes)

To anyone who's ever read anything I've written, or is reading this now, thank you. Though I will never know you in real life you have touched my life more than you will ever know. For this morning I don't feel nearly as alone. And that gives me hope, the rarest of any emotion I know.

today was a bad day

yesterday was a bad day

this week has been bad

last week was really bad

in fact, this whole month has been really, really bad....

as i sit here alone, as usual, drinking wine and listening to depressing powerful music I contemplate for the 12th time today taking a handful of pills and praying for sleep. i think i wanna die, but i'm too scared to pull the trigger. i don't believe in heaven, i don't believe in God so if I did die I'd never know it, I'd just cease to be and the world would go on. My family would be sad I'm sure, but not much else would change in the world. It doesn't make any rational sense to be afraid of nothingness, yet silly me somehow I am. There's also the guilt of making people cry, or hurting them by leaving even though I know for a fact their lives will go on much better without me.

So mostly I contemplate ways to sleep. And pass the days. And try to find ways to make myself sick, or slowly poison myself so it quite such an obvious suicide and the guilt will be less. I hope to somehow get cancer. It's sick, I know. But if there was a way to take one useful happy cancer patient and trade places with them I would. I would take their disease and the the death sentence and let them live so that I may die. At least that disease is accepted, is somehow dignified and worthy of sympathy, pity and understanding while my disease remains stigmatized, misunderstood, judged, and mocked. At least the fatal nature of cancer is accepted while the fatal pain and horrendous nature of my disease is looked down upon and judged in the most negative light.

I give up. I wanna give up so bad. It hurts. I hurts every day.

I'm scared

I'm lonely

I'm hurting

I'm crying

I'm tired

I'm just so tired of it all.....

I need help, but don't really want it

I'm so lost.....

"sometimes I feel down. believe me it's worse than it sounds." desert radio 'down'

so much worse

Did I really just say that outloud?????

"get on the scale maybe you'll have a good day." is what I said to myself and then sat there stunned and a little afraid. Is this what I've become? 3 digits (preferably 2) on a digital scale, letting this heartless souless machine that doesn't even know what the numbers mean decide my destiny for the day and put a smile on my face or tears in my eyes. You see I've always just thought of myself as someone with bipolar 2 and body image "issues", but lately these issues have been morphing into full on taking over my life and thoughts. There has to be a way to take back my life.... I just haven't figured it out yet.

my identity

i spend most days not knowing who i am. or what i want. or where i'm headed. i hav said thousands of times that i really really don't know who i am.

but that's not true

not even close

the truth is i know exactly who i am. i'm the sick one. i'm the weak, fragile, delicate one who's not doing anything because she's sick.

i'm too sick to work. i'm too sick to maintain a normal schedule. i'm too sick to have my children live with me. i'm too sick to maintain relationships. i'm too sick to be responsible, or accountable , or dependable. i'm too sick to have direction, or purpose, or goals.

so i stand still. or sit still. in all actuality most days i lay still. and do nothing. my life has been on pause for nearly 10 years because i'm the sick one. i'm that person in my own eyes, and in the eyes of everyone who knows me. failure is the norm. giving up is expected. and i am accountable to no one. not myself, not my parents, not my friends, not society, no one. but it's ok because i'm sick.

i don't wish to downplay mental illness. i do have an illness. it is real, and at times those with this illness really are too sick to function. but not for nearly 10 years. not me for nearly 10 years.

all i see is the illness. all i feel is the weakness. all i know is failure. all i can do is hide.

i don't know how to break this cycle, this pattern, this trap. they say it takes 21 days to form a new habit. how long must it take to break a 10 year long one? one that is so ingrained in the core of my being any attempt at change brings on panic, fear, and a total loss of rationality.

my confidence is below zero. my energy, will, strength and drive are non-existent. in my conscious mind i want more, but in my heart and subconscious i find it impossible and give up before i even start trying. the lows are getting lower, the highs have nearly disappeared, and i have given up on myself mentally, emotionally and physically.

i don't know where to start. even starting to think about starting brings on unbearable uncomfortableness.

i have become my illness. i am not a person living with, or fighting mental illness. i am mental illness. its who i am. right now its all i am. its all i know.

i am the sick one...