good day/bad day

i need to tackle this one day at a time. i can't fathom it any other way. the thought of eating properly every day is too much. the thought of not losing my temper ever again is too much. the thought of staying healthy for life is too much. i need to break it down. and a year is too long. a month is too long. right now a week seems too long. so tomorrow i need to wake up and set my daily goals. eat like a healthy human just for that day. exercise that day. don't do anything stupid that day.

a huge monetary setback today. kinda kills my ability to head west and be able to take any kind of classes when i get there. how can i start a new life with no money at all? i have no skills no training i can't afford school with a minimum wage job living in the 3rd most expensive city in the country.....

2 steps forward then i get kicked in the face and shoved 15 feet backward onto my ass......

i need to go to sleep now but i am still not sleeping properly even though i am exhausted. i look exhausted too. not doing much for my confidence as that still seems to be way to tied into my looks. feeling fat and frumpy and short and tired looking and old and wrinkly and splotchy and it is not good. bad time to look like me. the hotter we start out the further we fall. and the fall from grace is painful. long and painful. which is vain and should be irrelevant considering all my other much more serious problems but i am image obsessed so.......

trying to do some positive self talk.... i am very smart. i am very good at any job i try. people seem to like me and get along with me. (although i seem to talk too much and say too much and need to learn to just shut up sometimes but i'll work on that) i am fun. i am funny. i am creative. i am smart. (said it twice but it deserves it) i am pretty awesome when i'm healthy so i gotta get my ass healthy. and i have a kick ass wicked bod when i eat normally and work out a bit. (good genetics) so i NEED to do that. good for me physically and emotionally.

any big epiphanies today? not really. just day by day. can't quit. get up off my ass tomorrow and start takin steps again and hope next time i don't get kicked in the face again.

smart choices. i have to always remember - smart choices. think before i act. think before i speak. think before i do. think before i decide.

ideas...... research victim bipolar self hate/esteem link, healthy people self love source, path to that for former
accu too expensive now - pt only way, would be 39 when done......???????
make up could prob afford, get info - talk to alisha..... is it really a career thing or just a fool around on urself thing??