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Saturday, February 20, 2010

sooooo tired. omg tired, but still not sleeping properly. layin in bed watchin tv at night instead of cleaning up my sleep habits and trying to do the right thing. i kno whats good for me, i just hav so much trouble actually doing wats good for me. i am such a self saboteur. its like i want to change but i'm so afraid of the change or so afraid of failing i do stuff to increase chances of failure from illness so i can cop out and start making excuses again. i don't want that but i am stuck in such a vicious fuckin circle and i honestly don't know how to get out. i have been like this for so long. its easy to say "well just don't be like that" or "just do the right things, the right way". but its not always that easy. i mean it is. but when u've convinced urself of these things for so long its like u've brainwashed urself into believing that u really are a horrible ugly awful useless waste of space who will never succeed and never accomplish anything. its hard to deprogram that. i want to. i'm tryin to. but its hard. i'm havin trouble with sleep. with food (yeah i'm body obsessed too - i've pretty much got it all). with confidence. with dependency. with honesty. with trust. i need a life coach. except that i need to learn how to coach myself so where do you go for that? therapy? i hate therapists. which i realize is a generalization, but.... i need to find the strength within. i just don't know where to look. it must be buried pretty damn deep. but its gotta be there right? before all the shit, before i was hurt before i was damaged before i got sick - i was strong and happy and liked me. so its possible. and natural. they say forgive urself but again i dunno how. i'm probably over thinking. maybe i'm making it too hard. i just don't know anymore. i know it still hurts. i know it still feels like i'm in hell way too often. and i know it still feels like it could fall apart at any moment. but i also know that i can't live like this anymore. that i need more. that i gotta find a way out. magical pills aren't doin it. excuses aren't doin it. complainin isn't doin it. hidin didn't do it. action. but wat action. baby steps i guess. baby steps and then if i head in the wrong direction i won't be very far off the right path and it'll be easy to get bak on. baby steps and forgiveness. i wish somehow i could feel strong. feel luv for me. true real luv for me....

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