Wednesday, February 17, 2010

here goes.....

so there's no point starting at the beginning. it just would take too long. i'll sum up. i got sick when i was 16. didn't know it was bipolar 2 until i was 21. i have been on almost 20 different medications, had ECT, acupuncture, therapy, and NUMEROUS hospitalizations. I have used alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, attention, food, and material things to try and deflect or numb the pain. I have tried to hide from it, deny i have it, run from it, ignore it, deal with it unsuccessfully, give up, and just lay down and die. after 17 years i still don't know what i'm doing and that scares me. it makes me sad. as i type this it makes me cry. a month and a half ago i had what i like to call my christmas epiphany. here's the background. i haven't worked in 8 years. i've been in hiding. i've been avoiding life basically just faking my way through it for 8 years. and not even really realizing that 8 years had gone by. i had shut down. i had completely turned off. i had no dreams, goals, hopes, aspirations. there was nothing i wanted. nothing i could see myself doing. i couldn't make any kind of decision at all. i couldn't order in restaurants let alone plan and execute my life. in 32 years on the planet and months and months in hospital wards i had never met another person with bipolar 2. i felt isolated, i felt alone. i kind of felt like maybe it was really rare and it was soooo much worse than bipolar 1. and i felt like the most broken useless person on the planet. unfortunately i often still feel like the most broken useless person on the planet but i am working on that. hopefully. and i had basically convinced myself that all my failures and the fact that i had dropped out of university 3 times and hadn't worked in almost a decade and barely left my house and was totally irresponsible was the bipolar's fault. i copped out. i blamed the illness. i know the illness didn't help, but i let it be my excuse. and a lot of people in my life let me let it be my excuse for a really long time. familiar with enablers??? i have them. i needed someone to kick me in the ass a long time ago. i know we need to take responsibility for ourselves, but when you are so young and dealing with this and trying to figure it out and people just keep letting you get away with shit time and time again.... anyhow. so at xmas i met someone with bipolar 2. someone i knew from a long time ago. and we had a great talk. and it wasn't even so much who he was, but just the fact that he was someone with my disease. i wasn't alone anymore. and he has a life. and a career. and a business. and friends. and....... excuse gone. in one moment my excuse was shattered. and the isolation was sorta gone. and the weird thing is since running into him i've met another girl with bipolar 2 as well. none for 32 years now 2 in a month and a half. anyhoo. excuse gone. a week later i tell my parents i'm looking for a job. they tell me to stay on disabilty because i'll make more money than at a crappy job and it'll be easier on me. WTF??!!! ok so now i see that my parents see me as completely broken and useless too. and then they compare me to a 60 year old man with a bad heart who can't walk 2 blocks and tell me not to be embarrassed about not working. WTF?! 60 year old heart patient? I ignored them and now have a part time job and am fixing up my house in a very small town to move in to a larger city. Soon after the job conversation my parents as well as a couple other people in my family felt the need to ask me in very condescending tones if I knew it was more expensive to live in a city than a small town. excuse me? and if i knew what rent was in said city. WTF. i'm 33 years old and they were talking to me like a 16 year old threatening to run away and live on her own. so broken, useless, and not able to take care of herself. soon after, the whole i'm 33 thing sank in (my bday is beginning of Feb). and soon after that, the 8 years on disability thing sank in. which turned into, OMG i wasted 8 years. which led to "if i don't figure this out i'm gonna waste 16 years and be stuck here when i'm 41 wondering where the hell my life went". so that string of events is what i called my xmas epiphany. it got me off my ass. i got a job. i'm still looking for another. it got me to finish renos on house and get it up for sale. it got me to go from 16 hours of sleep (or more) a day to 6-8. i get outta bed everyday and do things. my house is clean. and i have a plan and a goal again. yay! or i did. until sunday. when i crashed. on top of bipolar 2 i have rapid cycling and mixed states which makes me near impossible to medicate. lucky me. sunday i crashed. the mixed states started and i have been all over the map since. it's now wednesday. epiphany may have been mania. apparently hypo-mania can last that long. my first glimmer of hope in soooooo long and now i'm worried its gone. my theme for this year was hope. change. progress. balance. happiness. now i feel like i'm starting to drown again. part of my plan was to move halfway across the country once my house sells. i love my family and i thank them for all the shit they've gotten me out of, but i can't be around them anymore. not like this. if the hope is gone can i still do it? even with the hope gone i don't wanna be where i am now. i was so happy i was so excited i actually saw a future. i saw a way to get through this. to live with it. deal with it. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhh. sometimes you just need to scream. i want more. i need more. i deserve more. i want it soooooo bad. i will not let this beat me. god if anyone out there ever reads this and you feel like you're drowning or being crushed or can't breathe or like it will never end pls just don't give up. it won't ever go away but we can deal. there is a way. i know there is. and if i can find it anyone can. if i figure it out i'll let you know.

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