i was going to go to therapy.... therapy is expensive. and i hate therapists. they can be very condescending. and stupid. and i've come across a couple who wouldn't know good advice if it hit them over the head 37 times with a bat. i was going to go to therapy. but i know what's wrong with me. i even know what i should probably be doing to fix it. i just don't seem to be able to. and the parts i don't know how to fix can't be fixed by journalling, or positive self talk, or hashing it out with some therapist.

i quit things. i quit so i can't fail. before i can fail. i'm not good enough. or atleast i don't think i am. i don't see myself as enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not strong enough. not thin enough. not anything enough. but i don't want anyone else to know for sure. i'm sure they have their suspicions. i know they're all thinking it. (this is my inner dialogue) but if i go balls out at something and fail, then they'll have their proof. undeniable evidence that i am a failure and i am just not good enough and i and they were right all along. quitting makes me a loser, but no one has proof of me not being enough. stupid hey? yes i am.

i'm cuter than average but i cry when i look in the mirror. i hate what i see and i pick apart every little flaw. i can't see one good thing, i see only what's wrong. i can't dwell on what's cute-only that i look tired or my pores or a freckle or wrinkle or how i'm getting old. i'm tiny but i look at myself and all i see is fat. i see what's wrong. i abuse food. i abuse my body. because i am never happy with what i see. its never good enough. so i give up. and get disgusting. then hate myself so much i have to starve to fix it. then can't anymore..... i can't anymore

i got straight a's. i'm afraid to speak cuz i'm afraid i'll say something stupid. i can't finish university cuz i keep quitting. my average is over 80 so its not cuz its hard. i'm a genius but i'm retarded. my iq is insane but at the age of 33 i work 7 days a week at 2 minimum wage mindless jobs.

i hate myself. i truly truly do and makes me cry. i am a bad mother, a bad daughter. a bad friend. a bad everything. i've wanted to die so many times. i'm trying to live now but i don't know how. how do you live with yourself when you feel like this? you wouldn't live with another human being who hated you you so how do you live with yourself when you hate you? and don't say learn to love yourself. learn? how do you learn? some people love themselves and some people don't. once you stop, once that is taken from you i don't know if that can ever be returned.....

i want a man i can't have. i let his girlfriend's posts on his facebook site ruin my day. i hate her and i don't even know her. like i said i'm retarded.

and i think i don't need therapy.

new epiphany......

yesterday i screamed at a man in my car. a man who wasn't there. it wasn't a hallucination. it was a real person. a person from the past. a person i wish i really could scream at. i person i probably could scream at. i addition to screaming at myself.

yesterday i realized that my bipolar may not be my biggest problem. i had a christmas epiphany, but it wasn't the right epiphany. this is....

this isn't about depression. this isn't about mania. this isn't about mixed states or meds or any of that.

he took more than i had to give and i have never felt whole again. an empty shell, a hollowed out tree. i have spent my life trying to fill this void with so many useless substitutes but its never enough. i'm still empty and i still feel like there's nothing inside.

she stabbed me in the back and she abandoned me. she lied. she took what was most precious to me. and she robbed me of any faith and confidence that i had left. i stopped walking tall that day. i stopped looking people in the eye. i heart fell that day. i lost myself that day. and i lost my best friend that day.

but i let them keep that power. i let affect me this long. i let them take over my life. i thought i had dealt with this. i have taken positive action several times to deal with all of this. and i have healed. at least i thought i had....

so why am i still screaming at them in my car? why do i still hate the person in the mirror? why do i not believe deep down that i can really change and succeed? there are a couple of things i want to do in life but in my heart i don't believe anything i do or think up will ever be good enough for someone else to want or think is good. i don't think i'm good enough. or ever will be. i want to. i really really want to. i just don't know how.

do i keep screaming at people in my car? do i just let it go? i thought i had let it go.

i wish the bipolar was my biggest problem. you can medicate that. you can't medicate this.