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Sunday, March 14, 2010

i was going to go to therapy.... therapy is expensive. and i hate therapists. they can be very condescending. and stupid. and i've come across a couple who wouldn't know good advice if it hit them over the head 37 times with a bat. i was going to go to therapy. but i know what's wrong with me. i even know what i should probably be doing to fix it. i just don't seem to be able to. and the parts i don't know how to fix can't be fixed by journalling, or positive self talk, or hashing it out with some therapist.

i quit things. i quit so i can't fail. before i can fail. i'm not good enough. or atleast i don't think i am. i don't see myself as enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough. not strong enough. not thin enough. not anything enough. but i don't want anyone else to know for sure. i'm sure they have their suspicions. i know they're all thinking it. (this is my inner dialogue) but if i go balls out at something and fail, then they'll have their proof. undeniable evidence that i am a failure and i am just not good enough and i and they were right all along. quitting makes me a loser, but no one has proof of me not being enough. stupid hey? yes i am.

i'm cuter than average but i cry when i look in the mirror. i hate what i see and i pick apart every little flaw. i can't see one good thing, i see only what's wrong. i can't dwell on what's cute-only that i look tired or my pores or a freckle or wrinkle or how i'm getting old. i'm tiny but i look at myself and all i see is fat. i see what's wrong. i abuse food. i abuse my body. because i am never happy with what i see. its never good enough. so i give up. and get disgusting. then hate myself so much i have to starve to fix it. then can't anymore..... i can't anymore

i got straight a's. i'm afraid to speak cuz i'm afraid i'll say something stupid. i can't finish university cuz i keep quitting. my average is over 80 so its not cuz its hard. i'm a genius but i'm retarded. my iq is insane but at the age of 33 i work 7 days a week at 2 minimum wage mindless jobs.

i hate myself. i truly truly do and makes me cry. i am a bad mother, a bad daughter. a bad friend. a bad everything. i've wanted to die so many times. i'm trying to live now but i don't know how. how do you live with yourself when you feel like this? you wouldn't live with another human being who hated you you so how do you live with yourself when you hate you? and don't say learn to love yourself. learn? how do you learn? some people love themselves and some people don't. once you stop, once that is taken from you i don't know if that can ever be returned.....

i want a man i can't have. i let his girlfriend's posts on his facebook site ruin my day. i hate her and i don't even know her. like i said i'm retarded.

and i think i don't need therapy.

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