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Thursday, March 18, 2010

ok so now i'm that girl....

...you know the one. the one that cries in the bar. well its not like i cried-cried. but there were small tears. and i wanted to cry-cry. oh yeah, feelin pathetic again.

i wanted to cry before i even left the house because i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to throw something at it or scream or climb into bed or never leave my house again. i actually told my friend i went out with that i was considering never leaving my house again. i said it would've been easier to have been born ugly because having been cute once and now having to turn old ugly and fat is unbearable - nice hey???

i had a bad hair, bad face, fat day and it didn't start the night off well. then i felt alone and pathetic for still being single and having been single for so long (over a year now and not even a date in all that time) and thats when the mood went way downhill. well that and all the booze. i really shouldn't drink but i do anyway. i know what's good for me. exercise, sleep, proper diet, abstaining from alcohol. it's just so hard to always do the righ thing. and its never as much fun.

i'm having all these feelings of failure and its making things unbearable

i've failed as a mother. both my daughters live with their dads because i had a period when they were younger when i was too sick to function and then when i was their dads wouldn't give them back.

i've failed as a friend. i've let down every friend i ever had. lost touch. lied. not been there. all but a couple are gone.

i've failed as a student. dropped out a bunch of times. never finished anything. smart but so stupid.

i failed at my really well paying job now i work 2 minimum wage ones

i've failed at healing

i've failed at living, i've failed at functioning. i've failed at even being a human

now i failed again. i started a support group at my old university. for people with mood disorders. there wasn't one at all. the student union even contacted me and wanted to affiliate with us because they felt it was important to have. it started out so well. there was an amazing response. there were a lot of us. great people. great groups. really helping eachother. but i got sick. and showed up less. and people started dropping out of group. and i dropped out of school. and then the group was down to 5 of us. but it was an amazing 5. and we kept it going. and we helped eachother. we stayed strong. but now there's no one to left to organize it. 3 of us are gone from the university. the other 2 don't have the time to coordinate with the student union anymore. people are becoming too busy to come to meetings. and the thing i was so proud to have started because i was so happy to have helped people and to have met such amazing wonderful strong people is about to die. and it makes me sad. and i was supposed to find a way to keep this group sustainable beyond me, but i failed.

again

i'm really sick of being a failure

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