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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

who am i????

i know there are things i used to like

i know there are things i used to want

i know there are things i used to want to do

i know there are things i loved, things i was passionate about, things i enjoyed

i just can't remember what they were. and now there isn't anything....

i don't know who i am anymore....

i don't know what i am anymore....

or who i want to be. or what i want to be.

i spend my time doing nothing because there's nothing else i want to be doing. its not all that boring because i don't realize what i'm missing.

i read things like "time is finite" "the future is determined by your actions in the present" "live each day like its your last" and all of these other inspirational quotes and I know I should be inspired and I know they should help me but I'm not and they don't.

I make plans to change and follow them for no more than a week. I set goals and never reach them. I keep telling myself I'll do everything tomorrow but never do. I lie to myself constantly so now I never believe myself. I have no faith in myself. I don't think I can do anything and I honestly believe I'm right because I've proven it over and over again.

I'm writing to myself on this stupid blog because I don't have anyone to talk to. My group is gone. I've got no one left. I tried to talk to one of the only friends I have left but he doesn't know about half of the shit that has happened to me so I can't even go into everything that is wrong. And I can't go into the food stuff with him because I'm so ashamed. I want to email a guy I know who has bp2 like me but I don't want to be annoying. So here I sit. Alone in my house, sitting in bed. Typing and crying. What a fucking mess. What a fucking disaster. Nice fucking epiphany cris. Real fucking progress.

I used to write. I used to draw. I used to paint. I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I used to LOVE clothes and makeup and fashion.

Now i do nothing.

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