self-defeating behaviours...

i am awake when i should be asleep. not because i can't sleep. just because i don't want to go to sleep.

i was supposed to do laundry today. and exercise. and clean my house. instead i stayed in bed all day and watched an entire season of project runway. oh and i got a twitter account. one more way for me to waste time doing something other than what i'm supposed to be doing. self-defeating behaviour number 1: procrastination number 2: rationalization (oh the twitter account will let me connect with other bipolar people, blah blah blah)

i was supposed to eat healthy today. instead all i had were several ice cream sandwiches and a LOT of fudgeos. self-defeating behaviour #3: overeating (i also engage in undereating depending on which side of the pendulum swing i'm on)

i have wanted to learn how to play the guitar since i was about 15. 4 or 5 years ago i bought myself a guitar. the only reason i bought the guitar was to impress the guy i was dating at the time (not unusual for me) but instead of taking advantage of the opportunity it sits in the corner collecting dust. in january i started teaching myself to play again. i played everyday for almost a month. then i just quit. i do that a lot. get really excited about something and then just quit once the new car smell wears off. i can't commit to a career, a job, a goal, a hobby, a relationship, anything.

i spend money i don't have on things i don't need. i do things to impress people who aren't even paying attention and wouldn't care even if they were.

i compare myself to everyone. i am always soooo afraid what everyone is thinking of me. i feel everyone is always judging me. always criticizing me. i am so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of doing the wrong thing. of saying something stupid. of having people laugh at me.

in high school a very close friend turned me into the joke and i'm still afraid to go back to that. my confidence was crushed in grade 9 and at 33 i still don't have it back. how pathetic is that? i've been living in, affected by, and afraid of the past for 19 years. 19 years i let that bitch of a bully ruin my life and my self worth. sure the illness and the other shit didn't help, but really??????

i'm awake when i really should be asleep. i hate myself even though i'm told people are naturally supposed to love themselves. i wish someone would run me over with a truck even though humans are programmed for self-preservation. i am so backwards it gives me a headache.