Sunday, April 4, 2010

so then who am I?????

ok so if i don't let the illness define me then who am i....????

i don't think i've known that for a really REALLY long time. i've been so wrapped up in being sick and being a victim that i have completely lost myself. i turned into the self hating, self abusive, cutting, bulimic, anorexic, rage-aholic, lazy, alcoholic, low sel esteem, scared, bipolar girl. i soooooooo don't want to be that anymore.

i am cristina

ok so who is that?

fuck who is that?

i am going to start an experiment tomorrow to try and figure this all out. and i will try to keep track of it on here so at least i have some record of it.

who do i want to be?

i don't want to binge eat anymore. i don't want to starve anymore either. i don't want to have any issues at all with food anymore.

i don't want to think i'm fat and hate my body.

i don't want to hate myself.

maybe i shouldn't focus so much on what i don't want. maybe positive is better and i should focus on what i do want.

i want to be happy. i want to love myself. i want to have a life and career i love. i want a healthy relationship with a great guy. i want to get my illness under control. i want to exercise and eat properly. i want to have a good relationship with both my daughters. i want to know who i am and be ok with me. i want to lead a long healthy productive life.

i am cristina i am kinz and kay's mom i am funny i am smart i am kind i am good at sports i am pretty i am tough i am resilient i am musical i am creative i am artistic i love shoes and clothes and makeup i love animals i love warm weather and hate cold weather i am impatient i am a perfectionist i am a good writer i am a good human being i have a horrible sense of direction(ha ha) i am a hard worker i am a quick learner i fall in love too easily i am loyal i am a good friend i am a sister i am a daughter i am insecure i am proud i am shy i am stylish i am loud i am fabulous i am trying i am trying i am trying i am learning i am not giving up

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