life is so trying sometimes....

unfortunately i am not. that is to say i do not.

i was trying. for a couple of months. and then i just stopped.

but i need to start again or things are going to get very ugly very fast.

i have pretty much screwed up both jobs it took me so long to get. why? cuz i went to van n got depressed i couldn't stay then came home and had my water heater blow up so one morning i was jus too tired and fed up to shower with cold water in the sink and i didn't go in. didn't call didn't go in, nothing. that was to job #1. kept going to job #2 until screwing up made me so depressed i started bingeing and staying in bed and got so bad i just didn't go there either.

and now i have stopped everything. stopped cleaning my house. stopped taking care of myself. meds ran out and i didn't go get more. i am eating more and more and doing less and less. i gained 8 pounds in a week and i want to die. i want to cut i want to hurt i want someone to hit me with a bus. i can't stand this.

but its my own fault because i gave up. on trying. on myself. on my future. on progress. on my health. and now i'm screwed again.

tomorrow i need to try. but what does that entail.....

tomorrow i get the tattoo i've been soooooo excited about for months. i'm not excited at all now. stupid depression. also, the tattoo is symbolic. symbolizes the change i went through at the beginning of the year and all the progress i made. the successes. my goals.

success change progress and goals are all gone. so tattoo not as exciting because i suck again. i hate myself sometimes. most times. i hate my life. but i am too lazy and stupid to change it. i keep giving in and giving up and accepting the same shitty stuff. hiding away. not living. not thriving. not moving. i want so much but have so little. and it is my own fault. its all my fault. i used to blame the disease but really its me.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"to be successful in life gravitate toward the standard of excellence, not the standard of acceptance."

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." MLK Jr

"If I have the belief I can do it, I shall certainly acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." Ghandi

"The future depends on what we do in the present." Ghandi

"under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody, but unbowed."

need to find the hope and will and drive again.

need to believe i am worth it